Ask this 1 question and every decision in your life will instantly become easier

It could easily be argued that happiness is the result of consistently making the right decisions and choices.

What do you priorities? What do you eat? Will you exercise today? How will you treat yourself? And other people?

The sum total of these choices and decisions will ultimately determine whether or not you enjoy happiness; and, for that matter, success.

But as we all know, making the right choices is easier said than done. That’s why, this one key question is crucial to ask and answer first…

via the Ladders by Benjamin P Hardy

The British rowing team had not won a gold medal since 1912. By all measures, they didn’t have a good rowing program.

Then something changed. In anticipation of the 2000 Sydney Olympics, the team developed a useful strategy that changed everything. They went from being an average rowing team to winning Olympic Gold.

Within their one strategy is embedded several key principles that are essential to epic success. Additionally, within their strategy is a plethora of scientific backing in performance psychology…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

How to Change Your Life in Just 2 Minutes a Day: 10 Quick Habits

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”
Lao Tzu

“The distance is nothing; it is only the first step that is difficult.”
Madame Marie du Deffand

Making a positive change in your life does not have to be about making a huge leap.

But I believe that belief is one of those things that hold people back from improving their life and world.

A simpler way that more often results in actual action being taken and new habits being established – in my life at least – is to take smaller steps but many of them.

So today I’d like to share 10 quick habits that can help you to change your life in just 2 minutes or so a day.

Through these small steps you can start to build habits that become stronger and over time can change your life in ways you perhaps can’t imagine now.

To remember to actually do one of the things below each day I recommend writing down a simple reminder.

Put it on your nightstand so that you see it when you wake up each morning. Or put the note in your workspace so you see it early in your day.

If you like and if possible, expand on the small habit after a week or two and do it for just a few more minutes a day.

1. Just start working for 2 minutes on your most important task.

I use this one at least one day every week.

On some days I simply don’t feel like getting started with work. I’d much rather stay lazily on the sofa.

So on such days I just start to work for 2 minutes on my most important task.

That is the deal.

The thing is: getting started is pretty much always the hardest part.

After I have started moving and been at work for those 2 minutes it is usually pretty easy to just continue working on that task.

2. Review and appreciate your day at the end of it.

If you do good things during the day and get things done then that can raise your self-esteem. If you reflect upon that you have done so that is.

So take two minutes of the end of your workday. Appreciate what you did and what you thought.

That is what I will do when I am done with this article and workday.

3. Set a low bar for happiness for the day.

One thing I like to tell myself when I wake up in the morning is this: “Have a low bar for happiness today.”

As I tell myself this and try to keep it in mind during the day I appreciate things more.

The food, my work, the weather, the small events of the day becomes not everyday stuff but something I feel happy to have.

The small or what may be something one takes for granted becomes something I now often pause for a moment or two to take in and appreciate.

But if I become happier in my everyday life for the smaller things does that mean that I become unmotivated to keep working towards the bigger things?

Nope.

This way of looking at my life actually fuels me with more energy and inspiration, life becomes lighter and I feel less inner resistance as I explore and work towards both small and bigger things.

4. Breathe when stressed.

When stress catches up with you, when you start to feel anxious, irritated and or fearful because of it then take 2 minutes.

Sit down.

Breathe through your nose and do it rather deeply with your belly.

Focus on just for your breathing for those 2 minutes. Nothing else.

This will calm your mind down and you can resume your work in a more focused and relaxed mood after that.

5. Open up your senses to what is here now.

Pull yourself out of the past where you relive an old conflict and drag yourself further down a depressing spiral. Pull yourself out of the the future where you imagine a catastrophe at your next meeting, date or presentation.

Place yourself and your attention on where you really are. Here and now.

Do so by sitting down for 2 minutes.

See what is right in front of you.

Listen to the birds and cars outside.

Feel the autumn sun shining in through the window onto your clothes and skin.

Sense the small draft from one of the windows.

Be here fully with all your senses for those 2 minutes.

This will relax your mind and body. Thinking will become easier. And an optimistic viewpoint will feel more natural.

6. When you feel the need to judge someone tap into understanding instead.

When you feel the need to judge someone you know or may not know then take 2 minutes. Ask yourself these two questions:

• What parts of this person can I see in myself?
• How is he or she like me?

Why do that instead of judging?

Because no one wants to be judged in a negative way and doing so to the people in your life doesn’t help to build good relationships.

Plus, the amount you tend to judge others often tends to be how much you judge yourself too.

So help yourself to live a more positive life in those two ways by pausing when feeling the need to judge and then choose something better.

7. Think for a minute and give someone a genuine compliment.

Spend one minute on coming up with something you really and genuinely appreciate about someone in your life and that is in the same room as you at some point during the day.

Spend the other minute or less on telling him or her the compliment.

She or he will be happy. You’ll feel good about yourself and probably get some positive feelings too from the now happy and complimented person.

It’s a good and small way to build more positive relationships.

8. Hug.

It’s a small thing but physical intimacy can reduce stress and make us feel good. So spend 2 minutes of your day on hugging.

Like compliments it can be a simple way to build warmer and more positive relationships with all kinds of people in your life.

Just use your common sense before you start hugging.

9. Be interested instead of interesting.

At the start of a conversation or to break the ice spend two minutes on asking one or a couple of questions about someone you are talking to and his or her life.

Pay attention and don’t just wait for your turn to talk again.

The interest you give will most likely be returned and you can start to build not only a good conversation but also a giving and fulfilling relationship for the two of you no matter what kind of relationship it may be.

10. Mix things up.

Try the opposite…

• Have the vegetarian dish if you always go for the meat.
• Walk away from a stupid conflict instead of making it worse.
• Let one thing go if you often cling to things.
• Say yes to something spontaneous if you often say no and stick with your daily routine.

Take 2 minutes or less in one common or negative situation in your life today, pause for a brief reflection and then make a decision that is uncommon for you.

Make a habit of mixing things up to have more fun. To grow your life in small or bigger ways. To add unexpected experiences.

To make it easier and simpler to step out of your comfort zone in general when you really need to.

And to feel alive.

Be kind to yourself: it’s the first step towards everything!

Happiness requires prioritising.

Happiness requires taking care of your physical health and wellbeing.

Happiness is built on optimism and hope; good quality relationships and fun with friends.

But the chances are you’ll do none of these things if you don’t think you matter. Which is why self-care and self-kindness is vitally important…

via the Ladders 

Leah Weiss is a professor at the Stanford University Graduate School of Business, and the author of the recently released How We Work: Live Your Purpose, Reclaim Your Sanity, and Embrace the Daily Grind. Shauna Shapiro is a professor at Santa Clara University, a clinical psychologist, and an internationally recognized expert in mindfulness. The two recently sat down to discuss the power of self-compassion to help us build better habits, reduce stress, and strengthen our relationships.

Leah: What’s one thing that you’re working on right now that you’re finding interesting or surprising?

Shauna: The importance of self-kindness and self-compassion in mindfulness. In my work with thousands of people, I’ve been stunned to discover that people are talking about the same thing: this sense of self-judgment, of not being good enough. They beat themselves up in this critical way to try to get better or improve.

But I’m learning that that approach simply doesn’t work. Not only does it feel terrible, but when we feel shamed or judged — especially when it’s our own shame and self-judgment — the parts of the brain that have to do with learning, growth, and change shut down. We’re actually freezing ourselves in the very behaviors that most need to change.

Leah: There’s so much belief built into the power of self-criticism and self-flagellation. I’m curious, when you take this information to people, how do they react?

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

10 tips for staying calm

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

So said Ralph Waldo Emerson.

And for every minute you get upset in other ways, you lose another 60 seconds of happiness.

No one will be happy EVERY minute of EVERY day; it’s quite normal and even appropriate to experience emotions such as anger and frustration, sadness and irritability.

But if we want to be happier, staying calm more often will almost certainly help…

via the Ladders by Travis Bradberry

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control.

If you follow my work, you’ve read some startling research summaries that explore the havoc stress can wreak on one’s physical and mental health (such as the Yale study, which found that prolonged stress causes degeneration in the area of the brain responsible for self-control). The tricky thing about stress (and the anxiety that comes with it) is that it’s an absolutely necessary emotion. Our brains are wired such that it’s difficult to take action until we feel at least some level of this emotional state. In fact, performance peaks under the heightened activation that comes with moderate levels of stress. As long as the stress isn’t prolonged, it’s harmless.

Research from the University of California, Berkeley, reveals an upside to experiencing moderate levels of stress. But it also reinforces how important it is to keep stress under control. The study, led by post-doctoral fellow Elizabeth Kirby, found that the onset of stress entices the brain into growing new cells responsible for improved memory. However, this effect is only seen when stress is intermittent. As soon as the stress continues beyond a few moments into a prolonged state, it suppresses the brain’s ability to develop new cells.

“I think intermittent stressful events are probably what keeps the brain more alert, and you perform better when you are alert,” Kirby says. For animals, intermittent stress is the bulk of what they experience, in the form of physical threats in their immediate environment. Long ago, this was also the case for humans. As the human brain evolved and increased in complexity, we’ve developed the ability to worry and perseverate on events, which creates frequent experiences of prolonged stress.

Besides increasing your risk of heart disease, depression, and obesity, stress decreases your cognitive performance. Fortunately, though, unless a lion is chasing you, the bulk of your stress is subjective and under your control. Top performers have well-honed coping strategies that they employ under stressful circumstances. This lowers their stress levels regardless of what’s happening in their environment, ensuring that the stress they experience is intermittent and not prolonged.

While I’ve run across numerous effective strategies that smart people employ when faced with stress, what follows are ten of the best. Some of these strategies may seem obvious, but the real challenge lies in recognizing when you need to use them and having the wherewithal to actually do so in spite of your stress…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

If happiness is finding your passion, here are 5 steps that’ll help!

Happiness is many things.

Happiness is fun; happiness is health; happiness is spending time with family and friends.

But happiness is also living a life of meaning and purpose; happiness is also spending as much time as possible pursuing our passions.

But what if you don’t know your passions? Well, these 5 steps will help…

via TED Ideas by Julia Fawal

Need a new reason to get up in the morning? Enrich your life by finding and developing your next passion, with tips from psychology researcher Angela Duckworth.

Ever watch The Great British Bake-off? It’s an addictive reality TV show about the hunt for Britain’s best amateur baker. Few of the contestants cook for a living — baking is simply their passion. And it’s passion that carries them through weeks of competition and critiques, past weeping pie crusts and sad meringues. At every new challenge, they’re just excited to do what they love and to do their best.

Wouldn’t you want a passion like that?

Psychologist Angela Lee Duckworth thinks a lot about how to find and nurture a passion — it’s part of her work on what she calls “grit.” Simply defined, grit equals passion plus persistence.

Passion is not something you discover, she says — “it’s not like a lost set of keys!” Instead, she says: “Passions tend to be developed. It’s not just about being intense about what you’re doing but waking up week after week, month after month, year after year, wanting to think about the same thing.” It’s something fulfilling and enjoyable, but it’s not that easy; Duckworth calls it “hard fun.”

Here are five steps to help identify your next passion — or cultivate one you already have.

1. Clear out the distractions.

One reason you may not know your passion: you haven’t given yourself the time and space to pursue it. Now, many of the distractions in our lives — picking up kids from daycare, writing a proposal for work, dealing with a burst pipe in the basement — are non-negotiable; they come with being a human in the world.

But what about the negotiable distractions? One major source is right there in your pocket: your phone. “Whether it’s watching frivolous videos or scrolling through social media, there’s enough that you could do those things forever,” says Duckworth. “But it’s time that doesn’t really add up to anything.”

She asks: “How committed are you to not doing that anymore? Reflect on how you’re using your time, and whether or not you want to be distracted by these temptations.”

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

Build a support team for life

The best athletes and sports men and women have coaches…

… and it’s increasingly common within top organisations for employees to have coaches and/or mentors. 

Historically, this happened somewhat informally. In more recent times it’s become more formal and somewhat of an industry.

Regardless of how it comes about or even how it’s established, there are undoubtedly benefits to surrounding yourself with good people. Not just for athletes. Not just for leaders within businesses. But for all of us; in all areas of our lives.

Because we don’t have to do it all on our own; and we can’t expect to know everything or to excel in every area of life. But we can learn from others who have different strengths and experience to us.

So what if you were to build a dream team of supporters around you? What if you were to have mentors and advisors in key areas in which you need help … diet? exercise? finances? personal or professional development? relationships? fun? 

…So that’s today’s mailing. Take some time to reflect upon the message and how it might apply to you. Check out, also, the links below for some additional readings and resources.

I hope it helps you enjoy some more happiness. Until next time…

Keep well & keep smiling
Tim Sharp (aka Dr Happy)

Stop sabotaging your own happiness and success!

Too many of us undermine our own happiness and success.

Too many of us speak to ourselves in ways that eats away at health and happiness.

Self-sabotage will cruel your happiness; unless you recognise and stop it ASAP…

via Inc.com by Christina DesMarais

Everybody has doubts about their strengths and abilities. And lots of successful peoplesuffer from imposter syndrome, which is when you secretly believe that what you’ve achieved in life is mere luck and at any moment people will figure out you’re a fraud. (Never mind that the highest achieving people create their own luck.) But regardless of what you’re good at–or not good at–what’s more important is how you talk about yourself to the world. Here’s what you need to stop doing right now.

Putting yourself down in front of others

This behavior makes the people in your circles uncomfortable. It’s one thing to laugh at a mistake you’ve made, and entirely another to say something like “I’m so dumb.” According to Deirdre Maloney, author of Tough Truths: The Ten Happiness Lessons We Don’t Talk About, it’s the difference between joking about what you did, versus putting down the person you are. “When you are willing to put yourself down to others–no matter how insignificant or funny it might seem–you are disrespecting yourself,” she writes. “Which means you are telling the other person (and yourself) that you are not worthy of respect.”

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

What the research says about building GOOD habits

For almost 2 decades now I’ve been saying that … happiness requires little more than practising a few simple disciplines, each and every day.

If “bad habits” lead to poor health and misery; then “good habits” can just as effectively lead to health and happiness!

So how does one build more good habits? Here’s what the research has found…

via Eric Barker

You have a long list of things you know you should be doing regularly… But for some reason, you just don’t do them. What’s the deal?

The solution is building habits. Doing hard things isn’t hard if you’re on autopilot. But how do we make building habits simple and painless?

James Clear has a lot of very good, research-backed answers in his new bestseller Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones.

James lays out 4 laws of behavior change that are so simple, even I can do them. (And that means you can, too.)

Alright, let’s break’em down…

1) Make It Obvious

Vague is the enemy. “I want to exercise more” is usually another way of saying, “I want to continue disappointing myself.”

On the other hand, you could say: “Every morning at 7AM I’m going to lift weights for an hour at the gym around the corner.”

If I said that, you’d be much more likely to believe I was going to follow through. And if you say it, studies show you’re more likely to actually do it.

It’s what researchers call an “implementation intention.” (People without a PhD call it a “plan.”)

From Atomic Habits:

Hundreds of studies have shown that implementation intentions are effective for sticking to our goals, whether it’s writing down the exact time and date of when you will get a flu shot or recording the time of your colonoscopy appointment. They increase the odds that people will stick with habits like recycling, studying, going to sleep early, and stopping smoking…

The formula for creating an implementation intention is pretty simple:

I will [BEHAVIOR] at [TIME] in [LOCATION].

Another way to get the same effect is by using “habit stacking.” Tie the new habit to an old habit.

From Atomic Habits:

Habit stacking is a special form of an implementation intention. Rather than pairing your new habit with a particular time and location, you pair it with a current habit.

And the formula for habit stacking is pretty simple too:

After [CURRENT HABIT], I will [NEW HABIT].

“After I wake up, I will do 20 push-ups.”

“After the crime, I will hide any evidence.”

Chain together enough new habits and you’ll be in great shape while spending far less time in prison.

(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

So your new habit plan is clear. But how do you get yourself to want to do it?

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

Personal growth requires self-kindness

It’s hard (if not impossible) to be happy if you don’t like yourself.

Happiness won’t come to those who engage in self-loathing; and who, then, can’t find the motivation to do what they need to do for self-care.

It’s almost stating the obvious, or it should be anyway, to note that happiness requires self-compassion and self-kindness…

via the Ladders 

Leah: What’s one thing that you’re working on right now that you’re finding interesting or surprising?

Shauna: The importance of self-kindness and self-compassion in mindfulness. In my work with thousands of people, I’ve been stunned to discover that people are talking about the same thing: this sense of self-judgment, of not being good enough. They beat themselves up in this critical way to try to get better or improve.

But I’m learning that that approach simply doesn’t work. Not only does it feel terrible, but when we feel shamed or judged — especially when it’s our own shame and self-judgment — the parts of the brain that have to do with learning, growth, and change shut down. We’re actually freezing ourselves in the very behaviors that most need to change.

Leah: There’s so much belief built into the power of self-criticism and self-flagellation. I’m curious, when you take this information to people, how do they react?

Shauna: [I’m met with] a lot of resistance, because it’s [so] counterintuitive. People think that if they’re compassionate and kind with themselves, it’s going to make them soft, or self-indulgent, or less motivated. That’s why the science is so important, because we found that self-compassion actually makes you more motivated and more resilient to setbacks, and better [able] to take care of yourself. Instead of being self-indulgent, we find that people who are compassionate with themselves actually eat healthier and exercise more because they care about themselves.

Leah: I love your use of the term “resistance” here, because this is a place where I also see a lot of resistance come up with people. They know that they’re struggling with self-compassion. They know that their self-criticism is making them miserable at work and in their personal lives. When you bring this idea of resistance into mindfulness practice, are there nuances for how you think about it?

“Self-compassion actually makes you more motivated and more resilient to setbacks.”

…keep reading (or even listen to) the full and original interview HERE

3 Things You Need to Stop Doing to Get Started

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”
George Eliot

Getting started with doing what you deep down want to do in life can be hard.

No matter if what you want is to start exercising, create your own business on the side, write a book, see other parts of the world, improve your relationship with yourself or something entirely else.

But often we make getting started a lot harder than it needs to be by standing in our own way.

So in today’s article I’d like to share 3 things you need to stop doing to step out of your own way and make it so much easier to actually get started instead of just keep dreaming about it.

1. Stop making it a huge and vague thing in your mind.

The more you think about whatever you want to get started with the bigger it tends to become in your head.

And as you keep thinking about the various ways this could go it tends to become scarier and scarier.

So do this instead:

• Get knowledge from the others who have been where you want to go. To defuse vague fears about what could happen if you got started and about the unclear unknown, get information from people who have already gone where you want to go.
  It is easier than ever to find them today. Look them up online and read what they have written and said or send them an email. Or go ask someone you know in real life that has done what you want to do.

• Ask yourself: Honestly, what is realistically the worst that could happen? Take a couple of deep breaths to calm down your mind a bit. Then ask yourself this question.
  You’ll realize that in most cases the worst thing that could realistically happen is not that bad. It may sting for a bit. But it is something you can handle. And it is a situation you can find something to do about if this worst case scenario were to happen.
  The clarity you get from this question can – in my experience – reduce fears quite a bit.

2. Stop trying to control everything.

Being prepared and knowing some things certainly helps.

But it can become a trap when you try to control it all or think things through 50 times to be on the safe side and to not risk making mistakes, fail or look like a fool.

What to do instead:

• Realize: you will stumble and that is OK. It happens to anyone who steps outside of his or her comfort zone. It has happened to everyone you may admire and who have lived a life that is inspiring.
  It is simply a part of a life well lived. And if you reflect on what you can learn from a mistake then that will be invaluable to help you grow and improve.

• Learn to set time-limits for small decisions at first. If you have trouble with overthinking then set a time-limit for when you have to make a decision. This might seem a bit scary though.
  So start small and set a 30-60 second time-limit when trying to decide if you are going to work out or reply to an email.
  Do that for a while and then move on to slightly bigger decisions. And then even bigger ones after that.

3. Stop thinking that you have to get started in a big and spectacular way.

If you have a big goal or dream or even a medium sized one then it is easy to think that you have to take an action of the same size to get started or to get where you want to go.

That is most often not true though.

What to do instead:

• Go small. Just ask yourself: what is one small step I can take today to get the ball rolling with my goal/dream? Then take just that small action. And tomorrow or later on today you can do the same thing again. If that question still lands you in procrastination then ask yourself: What is one tiny step I can take to get the ball rolling?

• Single-task each little step. Focus on just the one step you are taking. Nothing else. Otherwise it is easy to get lost in thought, to go off track or to feel uncomfortable or fearful. So keep your attention on just this one action and step forward.
  And after that, the next one. Let these actions build day after day into something bigger. And before you know it you’ll have gone quite a distance on your journey.

Happiness … is all about focusing on the small things that make our lives beautiful

10 fundamental truths that will change your life

It’s a myth that happiness is always looking on the bright side.

Happiness is seeing what’s best in the world; but happiness is also facing up to the cold, hard realities.

Happiness, therefore, requires acknowledging truths like these…

via the Ladders by Travis Bradberry

It’s surprising how easy it is to lose sight of the important things in life. Busy schedules and regular routines have a tendency to put the brain on autopilot.

When things aren’t going quite the way you’d like them to, it’s often because you’ve lost focus on what really matters. But focusing on life’s fundamental truths can be difficult, especially when they remind you that you’re heading in the wrong direction.

The best things in life don’t come easily, and failing to observe yourself carefully is a sure path to mediocrity. I believe that Socrates said it best:

“The unexamined life isn’t worth living.”

Socrates’ observation also applies to business. When Eric Schmidt was CEO of Google, he famously said, “We run this company on questions, not answers.”

Life and business run on questions, not answers. You should be asking yourself regularly if you’re headed in the right direction.

Many of life’s essential truths need repeating. We need reminders that help us to stay focused on them. Keep these truths handy and they’re sure to give you a much-needed boost.

Great success is often preceded by failure

You will never experience true success until you learn to embrace failure. Your mistakes pave the way for you to succeed by revealing when you’re on the wrong path.

The biggest breakthroughs typically come when you’re feeling the most frustrated and the most stuck. It’s this frustration that forces you to think differently, to look outside the box and see the solution that you’ve been missing.

Success takes patience and the ability to maintain a good attitude even while suffering for what you believe in.

Being busy does not equal being productive

Look at everyone around you. They all seem so busy — running from meeting to meeting and firing off emails. Yet how many of them are really producing, really succeeding at a high level?

Success doesn’t come from movement and activity. It comes from focus — from ensuring that your time is used efficiently and productively.

You get the same number of hours in the day as everyone else. Use yours wisely. After all, you’re the product of your output, not your effort. Make certain your efforts are dedicated to tasks that get results.

You’re only as good as those you associate with

You should strive to surround yourself with people who inspire you, people who make you want to be better. And you probably do. But what about the people who drag you down? Why do you allow them to be a part of your life?

Anyone who makes you feel worthless, anxious, or uninspired is wasting your time and, quite possibly, making you more like them. Life is too short to associate with people like this. Cut them loose…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

Happiness and passion are not things you “find”; they’re things you develop!

via ScienceNews by Melissa de Witte

While “find your passion” is well-intended advice, it might not be good advice.

In fact, the adage so commonly advised by graduation speakers might undermine how interests actually develop, according to Stanford researchers in an upcoming paper for Psychological Science.

In a series of laboratory studies, former postdoctoral fellow Paul O’Keefe, along with Stanford psychologists Carol Dweck and Gregory Walton, examined beliefs that may lead people to succeed or fail at developing their interests.

Mantras like “find your passion” carry hidden implications, the researchers say. They imply that once an interest resonates, pursuing it will be easy. But, the research found that when people encounter inevitable challenges, that mindset makes it more likely people will surrender their newfound interest.

And the idea that passions are found fully formed implies that the number of interests a person has is limited. That can cause people to narrow their focus and neglect other areas…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

Happiness is once in a lifetime; happiness is also discipline and repetition

The most important thing in my life; that which brings me the most happiness and joy … 

… came about as a result of one, simple but crucial action. 

The decision to call up my now wife, and ask her on a date, changed my life for ever … and for the better!

Two of the next most significant contributors to my health, wellbeing and happiness are exercise and meditation … both of which require determination and discipline to ensure they remain priorities within the busy-ness of life.

So sometimes happiness comes from ONE action; other times from hundreds, if not THOUSANDS. And the wonder of it all is that this will vary from person to person, from year to year. 

Don’t be afraid to look for those “big bangs”; in fact, don’t make the mistake of missing out on those rare opportunities to meet someone, try something or take a risk. At the same time, however, be prepared to work hard and long for real and meaningful happiness; because at least part (if not much) of the time, that’s what’s required.

…So that’s today’s mailing. Take some time to reflect upon the message and how it might apply to you. Check out, also, the links below for some additional readings and resources.

I hope it helps you enjoy some more happiness. Until next time…

Keep well & keep smiling
Tim Sharp (aka Dr Happy)

Enjoy more happiness by … helping others!

Happiness, it’s been noted, is based on the premise that … other people matter.

Happiness isn’t just feeling good, it’s also doing good!

So helping others and adding value to their lives will not just benefit them, but also you…

via the Ladders by Christoper D Connors

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” — Mahatma Gandhi

A young woman brought her boy from their small Indian village to travel to see the great Mahatma Gandhi. From far and wide, she heard of his open-mindedness, wisdom and generosity. She was in search of knowledge, looking for answers that would help her with a problem she hoped to solve for her son. She was looking for guidance to help solve her son’s addiction.

An addiction to chocolate.

So she was willing to make the quest. Miles and miles, under the searing Indian sun, the woman and her son journeyed to see the wise sage. Days later, she arrived. She mustered up the courage to walk to the great Gandhi’s ashram. Her son stood there, shyly waiting, and the woman opened her mouth and the words flowed out from her lips:

“Wise leader, my son has an addiction to chocolate — and I don’t know what to do. We’ve tried everything and getting him to stop has been unsuccessful. Would you please tell him — you will know, wise one — please tell him to stop and that this is bad for his health?”

Gandhi sat there and listened patiently and with an open mind. He said that he would not give the woman advice about how to break her son’s chocolate addiction. He simply told her to return in two weeks.

The woman was stunned. Nothing? This wise man whose legend she had heard about for years — he offered nothing? And why two weeks? She was baffled, but decided to return to her village with her son. Over days and nights, they traveled back home. The addiction persisted. The woman did not know what to do.

Finally, after two weeks, the woman and child braved the sizzling, humid Indian sun and traveled back to Gandhi’s ashram. She hoped that Gandhi would direct her son to stop. Her wish was granted. Gandhi said:

“Boy, please, stop eating chocolate. It is bad for your health. Listen to your mother and stop at once.”

Hearing Gandhi dispense the directive, the boy dropped his head and with a sullen expression, he nodded. The mother was relieved and she thanked the old sage. They turned to leave and make the trek back to their village. But the woman couldn’t help shake her curiosity. Why did it take him two weeks to tell my son to stop eating chocolate? What did he have to think about?

So she turned back around, faced Gandhi and asked him, “Why did it take you two weeks, oh wise one?

Gandhi offered her a warm smile, looked up and said, “I needed to overcome my own addiction to chocolate.”

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

How’d you like more energy?!?!

If happiness is about doing things you love and loving things you do…

…then happiness requires a certain amount of energy so you can get out there and live life!

Enjoying more happiness, therefore, will be more likely if you can enjoy higher energy levels…

via Eric Barker

The world might be all go-go-go but that doesn’t mean we are…

When Gallup researcher Tom Rath surveyed 10,000 people only 11% said they felt like they had a lot of energy.

From Are You Fully Charged?:

When we surveyed more than 10,000 people to see how they were doing across these three areas, we found that most people struggle on a daily basis. For example, when we asked them to think about their entire day yesterday, a mere 11 percent reported having a great deal of energy.

Luckily, Tom and his team didn’t go take a nap. Instead, they pored over studies and talked to experts to get some answers on why renewable energy is a big thing everywhere but inside our bodies.

From Are You Fully Charged?:

To discover what creates a full charge, my team and I reviewed countless articles and academic studies, and interviewed some of the world’s leading social scientists. We identified and catalogued more than 2,600 ideas for improving daily experience.

They found there were three factors that separated your supercharged days from your “low battery” ones. Tom summed up their results in his book, Are You Fully Charged?: The 3 Keys to Energizing Your Work and Life.

We’re going to look at some of what he found and learn how to have more energy.

Alrighty, let’s get to it…

Meaning

Everybody wants happiness — but that little bugger can be quite elusive and fleeting. As Viktor Frankl once said, “Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to ‘be happy.’”

But if we seek meaning in life, we often get happiness as a bonus. So what’s “meaning”?

It comes down to doing stuff that benefits other people. Research shows what makes us happy in the moment is often kinda selfish. And here’s where things get a little weird…

Because neuroscience studies demonstrate that while focusing on meaning ends up making us happier, pursuing our own happiness can make us — believe it or not — unhappy.

From Are You Fully Charged?:

A 2014 study followed a group of teenagers for a full year to see how their brains reacted to self-fulfilling (hedonic) acts versus acts that created meaning (eudaimonic) using fMRI scans and questionnaires. While the participants were in the fMRI scanner, researchers posed scenarios to them about keeping money for themselves versus donating it to their families. The researchers also followed up at the end of the year to review any changes from the teens’ baseline levels of depressive symptoms. The results revealed that teenagers who had the greatest brain response to meaningful actions had the greatest declines in depressive symptoms over time. In contrast, teens who made more self-fulfilling decisions were more likely to have an increase in risk of depression. Meaningful activity essentially protects the brain from dark thoughts.

But happiness feels good, right? Isn’t that why they call it happiness? Well, oddly enough, it doesn’t feel good to your body if there’s no meaning. The bodies of people who are cheery but lack anything deeper actually show higher levels of inflammation.

Happiness without meaning is the physical equivalent of being stressed out.

From Are You Fully Charged?:

When participants in a study led by the University of North Carolina’s Barbara Fredrickson were happy but lacked meaning in their lives (defined as pursuing a purpose bigger than self), they exhibited a stress-related gene pattern that is known to activate an inflammatory response. They had the same gene expression pattern as people dealing with constant adversity have. Over time, this pattern leads to chronic inflammation, which is related to a host of illnesses, like heart disease and cancer. Fredrickson noted, “Empty positive emotions… are about as good for you as adversity.” Unfortunately, 75 percent of participants in Fredrickson’s study fell into this category; their happiness levels outpaced their levels of meaningfulness. In contrast, participants who had meaning in their lives, whether or not they characterized themselves as happy, showed a deactivation in this stress-related gene pattern.

And when we feel we’re making progress in meaningful work we’re 250% more likely to be engaged at the office.

From Are You Fully Charged?:

My research suggests that the odds of being completely engaged in your job increase by more than 250 percent if you spend a lot of time doing meaningful work throughout the day. To discover what leads to better work and lives, Harvard Business School’s Teresa Amabile and psychologist Steven Kramer sorted through 12,000 diary entries and 64,000 specific workday events collected from 238 workers across seven different companies. Their conclusion from this research was: “Of all the events that engage people at work, the single most important — by far — is simply making progress in meaningful work.”

Okay, so how do we find this meaning stuff? Well, you don’t find it. You create it. Research in the area of “job-crafting” shows that if we tweak how we work, we can enjoy a lot more meaning in those hours at the office.

What activities give you a feeling of engagement, warmth and pride in what you do? Find a way to spend more of your time doing that stuff and less of the other stuff. Talk to your boss and co-workers to try and shift duties around if you need to.

And speaking of co-workers, who makes you feel good versus stressed? How can you spend more time with the former and less time with the latter?

Small changes in how you work can make a big difference in how you feel.

From Are You Fully Charged?:

This research, led by a team at the University of Michigan, found that you can craft existing jobs to significantly improve the meaningfulness of your work. Effective “job crafting” starts by looking at how much time you dedicate to specific tasks that give you energy each day. It also entails looking at the way your relationships at work and your perception of what you do create meaning for others.

I know what some people are thinking… they can’t change a thing about what they do or who they work with. No, you’re not screwed.

The most important factor here is perception — how you feel. And everyone’s work benefits someone else. By thinking more about who your work helps and making a little effort to see those results, you can dramatically increase the level of meaning in your life.

When university call center employees who were asking alums for donations got to meet the scholarship students who benefited from their work, productivity, enthusiasm and the amount of money coming in went up dramatically.

We’re often focused on our well-being above all else. Put a little more effort into your well-doing and your well-being often takes care of itself.

(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)

Okay, so meaning can help fill your tank. What else do we need?

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

Increase your happiness with these simple, 2-minute mindfulness exercises

via Inc.com by Peter Economy

Happiness is not some far-away goal. It’s not even something that you have to work tirelessly to find and achieve. In fact, happiness can take little time or sacrifice to acquire, and is much more attainable than you may think.

In an interview with the Washington Post, Shawn Achor, author of “The Happiness Advantage,” talks about our pursuit of happiness during an age of technology and industrialization:

“I think the world has actually been malnourished as we’ve focused so much on productivity and ignored happiness and meaning to our own detriment.”

Although Achor notes that happiness is something employers can certainly limit and influence, he finds that “happiness is actually an individual choice” and rises in step with social connection.

If happiness is, in fact, a simple choice, then you may ask why we aren’t all happy right now. What, exactly, is the hold up?

“Most people keep waiting on happiness, putting off happiness until they’re successful or until they achieve some goal,” says Achor. This means we are consequently limiting both happiness and success, negatively impacting both.

Happiness is an incredible advantage at work. According to Achor, when we’re happy at work, “our creativity triples. Productive energy rises by 31 percent. The likelihood of promotion rises by 40 percent. Sales rise by 37 percent.”

To create more happiness in your life, Achor prescribes three easy two-minute exercises that, if you do them every day, can improve your overall health as well as your levels of happiness…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

8 ways happy people are different from everyone else; and how YOU can be different too!

via Inc.com by Shelly Provost

As a therapist-turned-entrepreneur (kinda), I have helped lots of people fight myriad mental and emotional setbacks.

Over time, I have learned that the skill set that helps you avoid depression or anxiety is not the same skill set that helps you experience a joyful, meaningful, and connected life. If you want to be truly happy, you need a new playbook.

Here’s a page from that playbook. It contains eight ways that happy people are different than everyone else.

They are resilient. 

Happy people bounce back, often quickly, from setbacks. Rather than see life’s adversities as destructive and rigid roadblocks that they must quash in order to be happy, they see adverse situations as manageable and temporary fixtures in a pretty good life–the price they pay for renting space on the planet.

They are optimistic.  

You know this to be true–most people want to talk about their problems and what’s not going right. Happy people have the same problems that everyone else does, they are just solution-focused and get bored and irritated talking about problems all the time. They have an uncanny skill for finding solutions where there seem to be none. There’s a time and place for venting, but when you’re ready for a solution, ask an optimist.

They experience a wide-range of emotions. 

While happy people have more positive emotions than negative ones–three times as many, in fact–they do experience negative emotions just like everyone else. However, they experience them differently. They don’t squelch negative emotions. They face them head on in order to learn from them. They let negative emotions guide them into changing a behavior, self-examining, or getting out of a bad relationship. They see negative emotions as an internal wake-up call to change course or re-evaluate…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

If you want to be happier, make others happier

The secret to happiness is helping others

via Time.com Jenny Santi

There is a Chinese saying that goes: “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” For centuries, the greatest thinkers have suggested the same thing: Happiness is found in helping others.

For it is in giving that we receive — Saint Francis of Assisi

The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity — Leo Tolstoy

We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give — Winston Churchill

Making money is a happiness; making other people happy is a superhappiness — Nobel Peace Prize receipient Muhammad Yunus

Giving back is as good for you as it is for those you are helping, because giving gives you purpose. When you have a purpose-driven life, you’re a happier person — Goldie Hawn

And so we learn early: It is better to give than to receive. The venerable aphorism is drummed into our heads from our first slice of a shared birthday cake. But is there a deeper truth behind the truism?

The resounding answer is yes. Scientific research provides compelling data to support the anecdotal evidence that giving is a powerful pathway to personal growth and lasting happiness. Through fMRI technology, we now know that giving activates the same parts of the brain that are stimulated by food and sex. Experiments show evidence that altruism is hardwired in the brain—and it’s pleasurable. Helping others may just be the secret to living a life that is not only happier but also healthier, wealthier, more productive, and meaningful.

But it’s important to remember that giving doesn’t always feel great. The opposite could very well be true: Giving can make us feel depleted and taken advantage of. Here are some tips to that will help you give not until it hurts, but until it feels great…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

How to stay young (at heart)

George Bernard Shaw supposedly once said … 

…we don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing! 

Now it should be noted, that as the author of “Live Happier, Live Longer” (HERE)and as a passionate advocate of “positive ageing”, there’s nothing at all wrong with “growing old”.

But the point is, as we age we need not stop having fun; or playing; or dancing; or learning; or doing almost anything we did when we were younger. 

Rather, doing so is what will keep us healthy and happy! Regardless of the number that gets mentioned each time our birthday comes around.

Research clearly suggests that those who approach life, and continue as they age to approach life with a sense of curiosity, and of wonder; and those who hold on to optimism and hope; not to mention those who practice appreciation and gratitude … will indubitably live longer and better.

When they say “age is just a number” what they really should say is “ageing is just an attitude”. 

This is good news because although we can’t control all the variables that determine or influence the ageing process (such as, for example, our genetic makeup) we can largely control and choose how we think about life and how we live our life.

…So that’s today’s mailing. Take some time to reflect upon the message and how it might apply to you. Check out, also, the links below for some additional readings and resources.

I hope it helps you enjoy some more happiness. Until next time…

Keep well & keep smiling
Tim Sharp (aka Dr Happy)

How to Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself: 10 Steps That Work

When you fail, make a mistake or things simply don’t go as well as you had hoped then how do you feel?

Do you feel sorry for yourself? Well, that’s natural in some situations and too an extent.

But do you get stuck in that mental state too often and for far too long?

If that’s the case then this guide is for you.

Because in it I’d like to share 10 steps that have helped me to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Simple habits and techniques that have helped me to reduce and overcome this issue in my life and to stop spending so much time and energy on it.

Now, let’s get started.

1. Breathe.

First, calm your mind and body down a bit to think more level-headedly and clearly.

This simplest way to do that?

Just sit down. Close your eyes.

And then breathe through your nose and with your belly.

Focus only on the air going in and out. Nothing else.

Do that for 1-2 minutes (I like to set a timer on my smart phone so I don’t try to finish early).

This will center you and make you feel more focused again.

2. Zoom out into the world (and then tap into gratitude).

Ask yourself: does anyone on this planet have it worse than me right now?

This question helps me to see things from a wider perspective.

I often follow it up with asking myself:

What are 3 things I can be grateful for but often take for granted?

Well, I can be thankful for many such things.

Thing like:

• Fresh water.
• Three steady meals a day.
• A roof over my head.

Just these first two steps is often enough for me stop feeling sorry for myself and not get stuck in self-pity.

If not, then I move on to…

3. Zoom out in your own life.

Ask yourself this about the situation that has caused you to feel sorry for yourself:

Will this matter in 5 years? Or even 5 weeks from now?

The answer is most usually for me that it actually won’t.

But I’m sometimes a bit hasty to make a mountain out of a molehill.

4. Find one opportunity or lesson in the situation you’re in.

This can help you to see what happened to you in more optimistic and constructive light.

That doesn’t mean that it’s all of a sudden a great situation that you’ve found yourself in.

But it’s in my experience important to do not only to add a dash of optimism.

But also because the toughest situations that I’ve felt the worst about have helped me in the long run.

They have taught me one or several very important lessons that have been game-changers or at least been quite valuable things to keep in mind.

5. Set a time-limit for yourself.

One thing I do from time to time when I’m in a negative emotional state like feeling sorry for myself or seeing things through a negative lens is to be OK with that.

To embrace it.

But with a deadline and for just a little while.

Because we have to process what has happened. Take in all the emotions, thoughts or shock that a situation caused.

Pushing that aside right away can lead to those thoughts and feelings popping up later in unexpected situations and ways.

So take 10 minutes to just feel sorry for yourself. But then, as those minutes are up, move on into a more constructive headspace and focus forward once again.

6. Get out of your own head by helping someone else out.

To avoid getting stuck in a downward spiral of self-pity focus outward. On someone else. Focus on giving one or more people in your life value.

This will get you outside of your own head and you’ll feel good for helping out in some way.

And then feel even better as you see the other person’s face light up thanks to what you did.

A couple of good ways to give value and to help out are:

• Helping out practically. Maybe someone needs help moving. Or setting up things for his party this weekend. Or with finding information for a decision that he’s making.
• Listening. Just be there fully and listen to someone as she vents about a situation in her life. And if she asks then offer some advice or a discussion about what can be done to improve upon the situation she is in.
• Be kind to someone in your everyday life. Be kind to a stranger by holding up the door, letting him or her into your lane while driving or helping out with directions if he seems lost in your city.

7. Look into your possible future.

Ask yourself: what will the consequences be if I keep this up?

How will my life look in 1 year if I too often fall back into feeling sorry for myself for too long? And in 5 years?

How will it affect my relationships?

How will affect my chances of reaching my goals and dreams?

Write down your answers and use them as a motivation to move forward once again the next time you feel that you’re starting to get lost in those negative thoughts.

8. Create a reminder and keep it close by.

I used one that said “no victim thinking for 30 days” on my smart phone. It popped up every morning with the help of the free Google Keep app.

Another good way to use a reminder is to write your message to yourself down on a piece of paper and put it in your bedside table. Then it’ll be one of the first things you see each day.

A couple of suggestions for what to write could be:

• It’s OK to feel sorry for yourself for 10 minutes. But then move forward and into action again.
• What are 3 things I can be grateful for in my life but I too often take for granted?

9. Draw up a small plan (and take just one step to move forward with it).

One of the best ways to move on from a mental state where you don’t feel like you have much personal power to change your situation is to take one small step.

And to create a small plan – or the start of one – for how you can improve or move away from the situation that have made you feel sorry for yourself.

So just sit down with a pen and a piece of paper. And brainstorm for 3-5 minutes to find one or a few small steps forward.

Then get the ball rolling right away.

Take just one of those small or tiny steps forward to put your plan into action. This will make you, in my experience, feel empowered and better about yourself and your life.

10. Ask yourself: how can I prevent getting stuck in the same trap in the future?

Finally, after you feel more empowered and constructive and have gotten the ball rolling with your plan take a couple of minutes and ask yourself the question above.

Think about what you can do differently the next time something goes wrong or when you start feeling sorry for yourself for too long.

A couple of the things that have helped me the most with this are:

• Reading through the note with the future consequences written on it.
• Reminding myself to talk to someone about it as soon as possible to be able to vent and figure things out for myself. And if I need it then to also have a constructive discussion with this person about what I can do to improve upon the situation I’m in. Or sometimes I simply let this person help me to ground myself again and to not make a mountain out of a molehill.
• Reminding myself that just a start of a plan and taking one small step forward to get going with it can change how I feel and my mental state in a big way.

20 brutal truths about life (no one wants to admit)

Happiness and optimism are often misunderstood.

Yes, happiness and optimism involve looking for positives and focusing on what’s good.

But just as importantly, happiness and optimism involve being realistic; facing up to cold, hard realities and tackling them head on when necessary.

Accordingly, there are certain truths about life we all need to acknowledge and address…

via Inc.com by Matthew Jones

It’s much easier to talk about the weather, sports, and celebrities than your fear of mortality.

Unfortunately, the more time you spend pretending that ultimate truths don’t exist, the more time you waste not being your authentic self and getting the most out of every precious second.

Time, not money, is your most valuable asset. Allow the list below to ignite the spark of motivation you need to make better use of the time you have on this planet.

Sometimes we need to head into the storm to appreciate the light and have a renewed passion for the beauty of life.

Here are 20 brutal truths that every single person needs to hear.

1. You’re going to die and you have no idea when.

Stop pretending that you’re invincible. Acknowledge the fact of your own mortality, and then start structuring your life in a more meaningful way.

2. Everyone you love is going to die, and you don’t know when.

This truth may be saddening at first, but it also gives you permission to make amends with past difficulties and re-establish meaningful relationships with important figures in your life.

3. Your material wealth won’t make you a better or happier person.

Even if you’re one of the lucky ones who achieves his or her materialistic dreams, money only amplifies that which was already present.

4. Your obsession with finding happiness is what prevents its attainment.

Happiness is always present in your life–it’s just a matter of connecting to it and allowing it to flow through you that’s challenging.

5. Donating money does less than donating time.

Giving your time is a way to change your perception and create a memory for yourself and others that will last forever…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

How to achieve your goals … according to the experts!

Happiness is many things including … setting and working towards meaningful goals.

The satisfaction and sense of achievement we gain from accomplishing something is a very special form of happiness.

But as with many aspects of life; it’s easier said than done. So here’s what experts in psychology say really helps…

via Business Insider by Chris Weller

Success doesn’t happen by accident.

A wealth of psychological research has found the people who achieve most in life take the same deliberate steps to make sure they reach their goals.

Sometimes it means minimising the value of will power; other times it means dusting yourself off after defeat.

Here are some of the psychological strategies the most successful people adopt in their daily lives.

They maintain a ‘growth mindset.’

In the 1960s, psychologist Carol Dweck came up with the idea for two different kinds of mindsets. She called them ‘growth mindsets’ and ‘fixed mindsets.’

Growth mindsets give people the ability to see themselves as capable of change — notably, growth — while fixed mindsets cause people to view themselves as fully realised, or unchanging.

Having a growth mindset leads to far higher achievement than having a fixed one, Dweck’s research has found.

They have grit.

Psychologist Angela Duckworth has found time and again that the ability to recover after failure is one of the most common traits of successful people.

Duckworth calls this resilience ‘grit,’ and it’s often the grittiest kids who get into the best schools, get the best jobs, and, incidentally, win the most spelling bees.

Some experts have even said grit is the single-most important trait to become successful…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

What you DON’T do is just as important as what you DO do!

by Dr Tim Sharp (aka Dr Happy)

I’ve spent the best part of 30 years studying human behaviour, emotions such as happiness, success and productivity…

…and one of the most important lessons I’ve learned, from the research, my practice, and from working with hundreds of very successful people is that it’s just as important to determine what NOT to do as it is to determine what’s important TO DO! 

So much has been written and spoken about “to-do lists” and productivity hacks and how to do more; sometimes we forget that there are times when doing less is far more efficient and effective.

And even if we do want to do more; we only have a limited number of hours in the day and days in the week (etcetera) that those hours and days should be filled with priority activities. Which by definition means all NON-PRIORITY activities should be eliminated. 

And again, this is something I’ve most certainly observed in the friends and clients I know who’re very healthy, happy or successful in some way. Quite simply, they waste markedly less time on useless tasks that return little or no benefit.

So next time you ask yourself what you need to do to be happier or better in some way; pause for a minute and also ask yourself … what do you NOT need to do? 

…So that’s today’s mailing. Take some time to reflect upon the message and how it might apply to you. Check out, also, the links below for some additional readings and resources.

I hope it helps you enjoy some more happiness. Until next time…

Keep well & keep smiling
Tim Sharp (aka Dr Happy)

Build your resilience with these 5 proven strategies

I spend much of my time, not surprisingly, talking about happiness.

And I spend much of that time busting myths and misconceptions about happiness.

Obviously, happiness involves enjoying good times.

But just as notably, happiness also involves getting through and/or coping with difficult times.

Resilience, therefore, is a crucial component to living a happy and flourishing life…

via the Ladders by Eric Barker

Every now and then, life punches below the belt. How can you be resilient when times get tough and you feel bad?

There are all kinds of strategies for feeling happier and showing grit. But most of them are very conscious and deliberate. And the truth is, most of what we do every day isn’t all that conscious and deliberate.

Ever since Freud, we’ve known that a lot of our behavior is unconscious. If that’s the case, shouldn’t you leverage your unconscious mind to get through the tough times? Only makes sense, right?

Now I don’t know much about my unconscious mind. (I mean, it’s unconscious, right?) So I called an expert on the subject. Tim Wilson is a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and author of Strangers to Ourselves: Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious and Redirect: Changing the Stories We Live By.

Tim has some, well, mind-blowing insights about how your brain really works. You’re gonna learn a lot about how that grey matter functions, how to fix it when it can’t cope, and you’ll even find out how to get to know yourself better to avoid future messes, how to stay happy when things suck, and even how to become a better human being in the process. (Now how’s that for value?)

But I do need to make a disclaimer first: I’m gonna have to shake your confidence in yourself a bit before we fix it. We need to correct some myths — and some of the truths are a little disturbing. Hang with me. We’ll get you back to the Shire, Frodo.

Alright, forget what you think you know about how your mind works. You’re wrong about a lot of stuff. In fact, you’re wrong about you…

Your conscious mind is an overconfident storyteller

Okay, tough love time: you don’t know yourself as well as you think. Who you think you are, your personality traits, why you do things… your perception of yourself can be way off.

Think your friends would agree with you on what you’re really like? Actually, they would agree more with each other on your personality than you would agree with any one of them.

From Strangers to Ourselves:

First, the correspondence between people’s ratings of their own personality and other people’s ratings of their personality is not very high. It depends somewhat on the trait; for example, people tend to agree with others about how extroverted they are, but on most other personality traits the level of agreement is modest (correlations in the range of .40). Thus, Suzie’s judgment of how agreeable and conscientious she is correlates only modestly with how agreeable and conscientious her friends think she is. Furthermore, other people agree more among themselves about what another person is like than they agree with that person’s own ratings.

Some people would immediately push back on this, “I know what I’m really like! I can see me from the inside! Nobody else has that information!”

Yes, you have a lot more info about yourself than a stranger does but your conscious mind is kinda like the internet: tons of great information and an awful lot of inaccurate information as well.

In some areas you’d have more insight into yourself, but in others you’d be way off. When you average it all out, the information you have about yourself is about as accurate as a stranger’s read on you.

From Strangers to Ourselves:

Averaging across several studies, there seems to be no net advantage to having privileged information about ourselves: the amount of accuracy obtained by people about the causes of their responses is nearly identical with the amount of accuracy obtained by strangers.

I know: pretty shocking, isn’t it? Why is it so shocking? Because your conscious mind is basically an overconfident storyteller.

Your conscious mind doesn’t have any direct access to everything going on in your unconscious mind.

How do you determine what others are like? You watch and guess and make up a story. Well, your conscious mind does the same thing with your unconscious mind. Except your conscious mind is very overconfident about its stories.

From Strangers to Ourselves:

The analogy I favor is introspection as a personal narrative, whereby people construct stories about their lives, much as a biographer would. We weave what we can observe (our conscious thoughts, feelings, and memories, our own behavior, the reactions of other people to us) into a story that, with luck, captures at least a part what we cannot observe (our nonconscious personality traits, goals, and feelings).

Think about it for a second. You lash out at someone. You say they deserved it. Then you have something to eat. And you feel much better. You realize they weren’t being awful, you were just cranky because you were hungry. We feel emotions and our conscious mind scrambles to figure out why. And sometimes it’s wrong.

You think the voice in your head is in charge, that it makes every decision. But that’s true a lot less often than you think. Ever been so wrapped up in your thoughts while driving that you barely remember the ride home? You didn’t crash the car. You made the decisions that allowed you to arrive safely without consciously thinking at all about them. In fact, you’re on unconscious “autopilot” most of the day. But your conscious mind really loves taking credit for everything.

Some people are gonna get freaked out at this realization: “AHHH! I can’t trust myself! I’m not in charge! Why is my brain like this?”

It’s okay. Your unconscious mind is still “you.” But it’s not the “you” that is the voice in your head. To be fair, the voice in your head, your conscious mind, has a really really tough job. Actually, it has two jobs — and they’re often at odds with one another:

• Job 1: Provide as accurate a vision of yourself and the world as possible.
• Job 2: Keep you happy.

You can compare this to giving advice to a friend about their bad behavior. You want to be accurate enough that you can help them course correct but you don’t want to make them feel like a terrible person. It can be a tricky balancing act.

Sometimes you need to hear, “You’re right. Everyone else is wrong.” But other times you need to hear, “You are being a jackass and should get your act together.”

Seeing yourself with rose-colored glasses —  within limits — is a good thing. Keeps your self-esteem up and depression away. But too rosy and you start saying things like, “I bet I’m a natural at skydiving! I don’t need lessons!”

Your conscious mind doesn’t have perfect information about your unconscious mind, so it guesses. On top of that it also needs to try and keep you happy. So at times it comes up with very inaccurate stories about you and the world. Stories you often unquestioningly accept as “truth.” And that’s why sometimes you give its tales more credence than your underlying feelings and end up in the kind of job you think you “should” love — but don’t. Or you end up involved with the kind of person you think you “should” love — but don’t.

So what does all this have to do with resilience? (In fact, you may be feeling a lot less resilient now that you realize the voice in your head can’t always be trusted.)

(To learn the 7-step morning ritual that will keep you happy all day, click here.)

When life gets hard and you’re feeling really bad, knowing how inaccurate your conscious mind can be is actually a big help…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

This one’s for parents who want to raise happy kids!

As a parent, they say you’re only ever as happy as your unhappiest child!

And it’s so true.

As a parent, also, we all want our children to be happy and healthy, successful and satisfied.

But as a parent, we all know this is easier said than done; so here are some tips from a 70 year study…

via Inc.com by Jessica Stillman

You may have read about Harvard’s Grant study, which followed 268 Harvard students for more than 70 years to figure out the keys to health and happiness (hint: the answer is just one word). The media has made a lot of hay out of the long-running research, oohing and aahing at its length and scope.

But I’ve got to tell you, the Harvard study is peanuts compared to the British birth cohorts.

After World War II scientists in the UK began what became a truly gargantuan undertaking. Interested in the conditions for mothers in the war-ravaged country, researchers decided to survey every woman who gave birth over a one week period in 1946. The result was some 14,000 detailed questionnaires about every aspect of birth in Britain at the time.

Then a generation later, they did it again, and again and again, surveying around 70,000 kids as they moved through their lives over a 70-year time period to see how they were doing in terms of health, education, and overall thriving. You can imagine the reams and reams of data generated.

What does it all boil down to? That is an enormous and ongoing question, but author Helen Pearson has a few powerful conclusions to share. In a TED talk last year (full talk below, hat tip to Swiss Miss) she explained what she learned as a scientist and mother from the experience of writing her book, The Life Project, on the cohort studies.

What does 70 years of data say about how to be a good parent?

Her first takeaway is both the least shocking and the most depressing: if at all possible, try not to be born poor. As just about everyone would expect, kids born into disadvantaged families grow up, on average, to do less well by any measure.

The trouble, of course, is that we can’t choose our parents. Some of us win what billionaire investor Warren Buffett has called “the ovarian lottery” and some of us don’t. And if that were all there was to it, the world would be unbearably sad. But thankfully, the cohort studies also reveal another profound truth.

“Parenting matters,” Pearson declares.

By comparing kids born in similar troubled circumstances and then following them to see which ones beat the odds, the researchers are beginning to tease out which parental behaviors have the most impact when it comes to promoting kids’ success and flourishing. And here’s the happy news — most of them are entirely within the reach of any parent, no matter their means…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

It’s the quality of your social interactions that will boost your happiness

via Psychology Today by Art Markman

Human beings are a social species. Connecting with others is crucial, because that is how we learn about how the world works. That is how we accomplish tasks that require more effort than a single person could put in.

Because of the importance of our social interactions, it would make sense that engagement with other people would generally be satisfying and enjoyable for people. But, what kinds of interactions would make people happy? Is it enough just to be around people and to have casual conversations? Or is it important to be engaged in deep and meaningful conversations?

A prominent study by Matthias Mehl, Simine Vazire, Shannon Holleran, and Shelby Clark in 2010 suggested that the quality of interactions matters. They had college undergraduates walk around with a device that would randomly record the audio environment over the course of a 3-day period. After the undergrads removed any content they didn’t want other people to hear, the researchers analyzed how long each participant was in the presence of other people and whether they were having casual conversations or were talking about more substantive matters…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

Try this to build more self-confidence

via Inc.com by Scott Mautz

Each and every day, you give away your personal power in more ways than you realize. You undermine yourself with destructive behaviors or behaviors that simply make you look insecure.

But the most all-encompassing way you give away your power, because it insatiably devours so many wonderful souls and because it shapes your worldview, is when you strive for approval versus authenticity.

Stop focusing on gaining the approval of others and start improving who you are

When you seek approval, you’re seeking external validation, which is an empty victory at best and elusive and confidence and soul crushing at worst. When you seek approval, you worry about what the universe wants and thinks, especially if you’re a people pleaser (which is something I still have to work on to this day).

But when you seek authenticity, you don’t worry about the universe, you worry about the Youniverse–and I don’t mean this in a selfish way.

I mean you focus first and foremost on the North Star in your galaxy–living in accordance with your values and authentic identity and living up to your own standards, not someone else’s.

When you focus on the Youniverse, you focus on getting better than you were yesterday, not better than someone else, and you strive to serve the broader universe with your unique talents.

Now, if you struggle a bit with seeking approval too much, I can help. I want to share with you a simple rule, two numbers really, that can change your life. Two numbers you can, as a reminder, write on a sticky note and keep at your desk, or write on a whiteboard in your office, or even tattoo on the back of your hand, like one of my coaching clients did.

They are the numbers 90 and 10.

This stands for a ratio of 90 to 10–or the 90:10 Rule. This is the simple formula for how you should calculate your worth: which is to say it should be based on 90 percent self-worth, 10 percent assigned worth…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

5 ways to make your life more positive

via the Huffington Post by Daffnee Cohen

As we grow, we naturally become more in tune with the things and people that facilitate a safe, comfortable and empowered environment. Our experiences and interactions with people and situations give us the ability to further surround ourselves with positive influences and to also avoid potentially harmful or damaging circumstances. While every day is a continuous learning opportunity for how I live my own life in a more positive manner, there are a few things I’m certain facilitate a positive attitude and outlook.

1. Don’t avoid or ignore negativity. In order to conquer and overcome, it must be acknowledged. This can include people in your life who may be bringing you down, a hostile workplace environment or even a personal stressor that you haven’t conquered quite yet. Think about the moments in your day that bring you anxiety or that you don’t look forward to. How can you turn that experience into something positive that fulfills you? Sometimes, these are small and easy to implement changes. Other times, they are more serious and drastic changes that need to take place. Either way, ignoring it will not move you in the direction of positivity. Remember, you are in control of your environment and if these negative situations keep making an appearance, it’s up to you to handle them.

2. Take care of yourself and your needs. In order to feel compelled to live a powerful and meaningful life, you must love you. It’s crucial to take care of not only your physical health, but your mental health as well. It’s a continuous circle: take care of your thoughts and your emotional well being, and it will be reflected in your day-to-day. Take care of your actions and how you live each day, and this will be reflected in your thoughts and emotional state of mind. Love yourself fully in order to love others fully…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE

Have you heard about “fierce self-compassion”? Because you need to!

If you’ve ever been told “it’s the thought that counts” well, that’s only half right.

Thoughts are important, obviously; but happiness and success in life also require action.

Happiness also requires self-compassion; but self-compassion also needs to be acted on for ALL of us to enjoy happiness and wellbeing…

by Kristin Neff

The drama that just unfolded in the Senate confirmation hearings for the U.S. Supreme Court is just one more example of why women need fierce compassion. Why feminine ideals of care need to include anger and resolve if we are ever going to stop being controlled by men. It took tremendous bravery and courage for Dr. Blasey Ford to tell the world about her memories of the humiliating and sexually aggressive way that Judge Kavanaugh violated her as a teenager. She has since had to go into hiding out of fear for her life. How many of us women have experienced something similar in a less public way? A narcissistic man who believes he has the right to sexually abuse us because he is empowered by patriarchy to do so.

How many of us have remained silent because we didn’t want to rock the boat or risk being judged for putting ourselves in a compromising position?

Largely as a concession to the #MeToo movement, the predominantly male Senate judiciary committee and Judge Kavanaugh himself did not try to discredit Dr. Blasey Ford or question her morality because they knew it would create a backlash. Instead, they portrayed her as a confused victim, to be pitied but not believed. What really struck me, however, was the demeanor of Dr. Blasey Ford herself. While she spoke with confidence when discussing her area of expertise — the psychology of trauma — at other times she spoke like a young girl who needed to placate all these powerful men so they would like her. This doesn’t undercut the courage she showed for being there — it was tremendous — but she clearly felt she had to be soft and sweet to be heard. And she was probably right. Imagine if she had shown her righteous anger at Kavanaugh for derailing her life, she indeed would have been discredited. She was allowed to show her pain at being victimized, but no more. Kavanaugh, in contrast, was celebrated by many of the male senators for being angry and enraged at being “wrongly” accused.

This is why women need fierce compassion. Compassion is aimed at the alleviation of suffering – that of others or ourselves – and can be ferocious as well as tender. These two poles are represented by the dialectic of yin and yang. Yin compassion is like a mother tenderly comforting her crying child. Yang compassion is like a mother bear ferociously protecting her cubs from harm. Traditional gender roles allow women to be yin, but if a woman is too yang — if she gets angry or fierce — people get scared and often insulting. Men are allowed to be yang, but if a man shows vulnerability he risks being kicked out of the boys’ club of power. In many ways the #MeToo movement can be seen as the collective arising of female yang. We are finally speaking up to protect ourselves, our sisters, our daughters and sons. Thank goodness…

…keep reading the full & original article HERE