10 Things to Do on Days When You Just Want to Give Up

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”
Harriet Beecher Stowe

Some days are light and filled with inspiration. Some days are simply routine.

And on some days you may think to yourself: “I give up”.

You may feel like just giving up on…

• Your new habit of working out or eating healthier.
• Your own small business or blog because you haven’t had the results you expected or wanted.
• Truly feeling better about yourself.
• Dating because you can’t seem to find the right person or maybe even have a good date at all.

Winding up in such situations is a normal part of making positive changes in life.

But what you do when you feel like giving up will determine a lot about where your life will go.

In today’s article I’d like to share 10 things that have helped me to hold on or to change direction on those difficult days.

1. Tap into realistic expectations.

This one has been very important to me.

Tap into realistic expectations not by listening to advertising that promises you quick results. Not by listening to the perfectionism – from the people around you or yourself – that allows no mistakes or failures.

Tap into it by listening to the people who have already gone where you want to go.

Listen to the people who know what works and how you will stumble and fail along the way and can tell you how long your journey may take.

You'll probably not get an exact blueprint. But the things people can tell you in person or via books and blogs can be a great guidance.

2. Remind yourself why you are doing this.

It’s easy to lose the big picture in the busy everyday life.

But if you feel like giving up then try reconnecting with why you are doing what you are doing.

Maybe it is to:

• Support and keep your family safe.
• Live healthier and longer so you get to watch your kids grow up.
• See the world and explore new things.

Write your answers down.

Then, whenever you feel like giving up pull out that piece of paper with your most powerful why(s). It often helps.

3. Remember: It’s darkest before the dawn.

This thought has helped me to hold on when things have felt very difficult and I felt like giving up and going home. Because I have found it to be true.

When things seemed to be at the lowest point with my blog and business, with my dating life or with my motivation in life in general something always happened.

Probably quite often because being at that low point forced me to change something in how I did things.

But maybe also because life seems to have some kind of balance if I just keep going. If I just keep taking action instead of giving up and doing nothing then something good always happens.

Seeing this repeat itself strengthened my belief in taking action and to keep going even on rough days or weeks.

And it brings some comfort even when things look pretty dark.

4. Reconnect with the basics.

When I have run into a plateau or a longer rough patch then one thing that has often helped is to simplify and reconnect with the basics. 

It is easy to become overwhelmed by all the information out there about any change you can make in life.

That can lead to confusion and to trying to do too many things at once.

In those situations it has been helpful for me to simplify.

To just focus on a few or one of the things I have learned that are the basic fundamentals in this area of life. To improve my social skills those things were, for example, to keep a positive attitude and to assume rapport.

5. Learn more and course-correct. 

Reconnecting with the basics often works well. But sometimes during a rough patch or when I feel stuck it has been helpful to change my course slightly instead.

To examine how I do things, what results they bring in and to compare it to how people who have gone before me have done things. 

To be honest with myself and admit that maybe one or two things or small parts of that I am doing are not working so well.

And to replace those things for a while – based on what others have done in the past – and see if that works better. 

Even if it means that I have to get out of my comfort zone.

6. Tell yourself: Just for today!

Here’s a little phrase I got from Brian Tracy that I often use when I’m having a bad day with a new habit.

I say to myself: Just for today I will XX!

Replace XX with what you will do just for today such as getting exercise, getting going with the most important task first thing in the day or eating a healthy lunch.

By telling myself that I only have to do it today I get two big benefits:

• I release the mental burden of the past times I did it and future times when I will do it. And so the task becomes much lighter and the inner resistance melts away.
• It also reminds me that the period that I am investing in changing a habit is not the rest of my life. After 30 days or so the habit will mostly be automatic so it is not something I have to do on willpower for the next few years or decades.

And guess what, when tomorrow comes I’ll probably have a good day again with less resistance and I will most likely feel like doing the task again.

7. Connect with the people around you to let it out (and to reload your motivation).

I've found that when the hurdles seem insurmountable or I don't have the energy to tackle another obstacle then one thing that can help a ton is to just open up about it.

To talk to my wife, a friend or my parents about it. To vent, to figure things out for myself as the other person listens. And to get some level-headed and experience-based advice when I need it.

This replenishes my energy and motivation.

If you have trouble with finding someone to open up to at this time – or the people in your life have difficulty with understanding or helping you with a current challenge – then you can for instance seek out supportive Facebook groups or other groups online.

8. Look back and celebrate how far you've come.

When you feel like giving up and you're overwhelmed and tired then it's easy to lose perspective on what you've actually accomplished so far.

The things you've learned, the steps you've gotten to done and the obstacles you've overcome.

Reflect on those things when you feel like giving up. Appreciate and celebrate what you've done so far to move yourself towards your goal. Appreciate yourself for the effort you've put in.

This will help you to change your perspective to a more optimistic one once again and to find a new step you can take to keep moving forward.

9. Just cut yourself some slack and take a break.

Yes, it might feel like you just want to give up. But in my experience that may sometimes simply signal that you need a well-deserved break after you've put in too much work or tried to stick with a too optimistic time-plan.

So when that happens listen to your body and mind.

Take a few hours or days off. Rest, recuperate and forget all about the task, project or whatever you want to give up on during that time.

This can change how you feel in a remarkable way and recharge your batteries.

10. See if it's time to quit and to try something else.

Sometimes it's not time to give up. But it may be time to quit what you are doing and to try something else.

If you feel like giving up or you are bored a lot, if you feel no real passion or excitement or curiosity about a change or your current path then ask yourself these two questions:

• Am doing this because I truly want it?
• Or am I doing it because someone told me to or because so many people around me seem to have done it or are working on it?

What you want isn't easy to know before you get started though. You may need to try different paths before you find one that fits you.

And just because everyone around you seem to love running doesn't mean that you have to love it or that you have to give up on the habit of regular exercise.

Try walking, biking, playing badminton or table tennis instead. Try a new way of doing what you want and see if it's a better fit and more enjoyable for you.

 

12 Powerful Ways to Reduce and Calm Your Anxiety

Today I want to share 12 tips that have been really useful for me to calm my anxiety in everyday life.

Because if you’re anything like me you have been there many times.

You’re sitting in a waiting room. Or just waiting somewhere.

Soon it will begin.

Your leg is starting to shake nervously. Your hands are starting to sweat and maybe your mouth feels a bit dry.

Your thoughts are becoming jumbled, it is hard to focus and to think as clearly as you usually do.

Maybe you have an important test in school. A job interview. An appointment with your doctor or dentist.

A date that you are looking forward to but at the same time you are scared to make a fool of yourself on.

Whatever it may be it is making you anxious.

Now, these self-help tips are for relieving low or medium levels of anxiety. They are not intended for anxiety attacks or anything that serious.

I know nothing about such things and would recommend that you seek professional help in such situations.

1. Breathe.

Sit down, in a quiet place if possible.

Breathe a little deeper than usual and do it with your belly and not with your chest.

For just a minute or two focus on only the air going in and out of your nostrils. Nothing else.

This will calm your mind and body down.

And it will bring your attention back to the present moment instead of it being lost in overthinking scary, future scenarios or bad memories from the past.

2. Get good knowledge.

Dispel the clouds of uncertainty and vague fears by researching what you have anxiety about.

By talking to people who have done what you are about to do or want to do – or by reading what they have written – you can build a more realistic roadmap with both positives and negatives of how things are likely to go.

And learn how to improve in the area that gives you anxiety.

Do research on the best ways to become better at and less nervous when – for instance – doing public speaking, job interviews or presentations at work or in school.

3. Do a quick workout.

I like to lift heavy weights for about 15-25 minutes when I feel worried, stressed or anxious.

It makes me feel stronger both in mind and body. It releases inner tensions and relaxes me.

Others go out for a quick run, walk or bike ride when they feel anxious.

Find a way to exercise that fits you and lets you reap these benefits and counteract anxiety.

4. Focus on something else.

Sometimes it is more helpful to simply redirect your mind instead of thinking about what creates your current anxiety.

Especially if you have no control over the situation that causes the anxiety like for example an upcoming appointment with your doctor or the dentist.

So focus your attention somewhere else for a while and recharge it with something positive.

Watch a couple of episodes of your favorite sit-com or TV-series. Browse your favorite social media feeds. Have relaxing or upbeat night out with friends.

Do something that takes your mind off the situation that causes anxiety, even if it is just for a few hours.

After that recharge you will not only likely feel better but you will also be in a better headspace and at a higher energy level to handle and think about the anxious situation.

5. Don’t forget to eat.

When I forget to eat because I am stressed and anxious then that only tends to worsen my state of mind.

It becomes harder to think clearly and negative scenarios more easily pop up in my mind.

So even if you don't feel that hungry keep an eye on the clock and if you may be running low on fuel.

6. Change your focus to what you can do right now.

When you ask yourself questions that make you feel powerless or like things will only get worse and worse then you take away your personal power.

Empower yourself by instead asking yourself:

What is one small thing I can do to improve upon this situation today?

Write that question down and brainstorm answers for a few minutes. Then take action on one of the answers you find.

It doesn’t have to be a big action, just one small step forward. And when you are done with it then take another one.

This movement forward will make you feel like you are starting to regain control over your life again, it will make you feel at least a bit more confident and it, in my experience, tends to reduce the anxiety.

7. Question your worries and anxiety.

Look to your own past and ask yourself:

How many situations that I have been anxious about in the past have turned out to be exaggerations or me making a mountain out of a molehill in my mind?

Question your anxiety and worries instead of letting them roam freely.

8. Remember: You have handled tough situations in the past.

When you are standing in the middle of anxiety and fear bubbling up within then it is easy to get dragged down with it.

To lose faith in yourself and your abilities.

When that happens focus on your breathing first to calm and clear your mind. Then look to the past for a bit of strength and confidence in what you can do.

Doing this helps me to go from feeling powerless to feeling like I am standing on firmer ground again.

9. Let the feeling in to let it go.

Sometimes an anxious feeling can feel sticky and vague.

You don’t know exactly where it is coming from or what is causing it. It can be hard to get rid of.

A bit of an odd solution that has worked well for me in such situations is this:

When you feel a negative feeling then allow and accept that feeling. Don’t try to keep it out. Don’t try to fight it.

Even though many of us have learned to do those two things to negative feelings throughout life.

Instead, this time, just let it in and observe the feeling in your mind and body without judging it.

If you let it in and just observe it for a couple of minutes something wonderful happens.

First it may feel uncomfortable and more intense.

But then the feeling loses power. It weakens.

Often to the point that it just vanishes. Or so you can let it go without much effort.

Because when you accept the feeling and let it in you stop feeding it with more energy (as you would when you tried your hardest to keep it out or to fight it).

10. Let it out into the light.

When you keep something inside of you then your head can become an echo chamber that magnifies and doubles the anxiety and fear in a situation.

So let it out instead.

Talk to someone close to you about the situation at hand. Just venting to someone who will listen can help you to get a more grounded view on what's happening.

Or the two of you can discuss it and help you to reclaim your power by making a small, initial plan for how you can reduce the anxiety about this situation by taking some kind of action.

11. Stay in the present moment.

Anxiety is often a fear of something you think will happen in future.

One way to reduce that anxiety is to simply stay with your attention in the present moment as much as you can.

Perhaps you make a small plan in advance to help you out but you choose to deal with the anxiety-creating situation when it happens.

Instead of spending hours each day with imagining and fearing the future and creating monsters in your mind.

The breathing technique at the start of this article is one of the best techniques I have found for returning to the present moment when you get lost in the future.

Another one of my favorites you can try is this one:

Take 1-2 minutes and focus only on what’s right in front of you.

Or around you and on you. Look at what’s right in front of you.

Listen to the sounds around you. Feel the fabric of your clothes. Feel the warmth of the spring sun on your skin.

12. Remember: There is a brand new day tomorrow.

This reminder helps me when today or the last week may not have gone so well.

Because there will be a brand new day tomorrow. A day when you can begin again.

A day when you can take a new step to move towards what you want and likely have a bit more luck.

And when it will be easier to see that this difficult time is only temporary and not permanent (even if it might feel that way right now).

 

21 Quotes to Help You to Stop Overthinking (+ My 5 Favorite Tips)

One of the most common things that gets people stuck in inaction and in not doing what they deep down would like to is the destructive habit of overthinking.

You can overthink a small problem or challenge until it looks like a huge and undefeatable monster.

Or overthink something positive in your life until it doesn’t look so positive anymore.

And sometimes you may even be zapping a simple moment happening here right now out of all it’s joy and magic by overanalyzing and dissecting it.

I’ve done all three of those things. All too many times.

So in the first part of this week’s post I’d like to share 21 of the quotes that I’ve found the most helpful myself when I’ve gotten stuck in overthinking.

And in the second part I’d like to share 5 of my own favorite tips. The ones that have helped me the most to stop overthinking in the past 10+ years.

1. “Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in.”
   – Napoleon Bonaparte
2. “Thinking too much leads to paralysis by analysis. It's important to think things through, but many use thinking as a means of avoiding action.”
   – Robert Herjavek
3. ”Spend eighty percent of your time focusing on the opportunities of tomorrow rather than the problems of yesterday.”
   – Brian Tracy
4. “Rule number one is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule number two is, it's all small stuff.”
   – Robert Eliot
5. “Don't get too deep, it leads to over thinking, and over thinking leads to problems that doesn't even exist in the first place.”
   – Jayson Engay
6. “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”
   – Martin Luther King, Jr.
7. “Don’t brood. Get on with living and loving. You don’t have forever.”
   – Leo Buscaglia
8. “If you treat every situation as a life and death matter, you’ll die a lot of times.”
   – Dean Smith
9. “Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”
   – Shannon L. Alder
10. “We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it.”
    – John Newton
11. ”People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them.”
    – George Bernard Shaw
12. “The more I think about it, the more I realize that overthinking isn't the real problem. The real problem is that we don't trust.”
    – L.J. Vanier
13. “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”
    – Winston Churchill
14. “It's a good idea always to do something relaxing prior to making an important decision in your life.”
    – Paulo Coelho
15.  “Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.”
    – Napoleon Hill
16. “In a moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing to do, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”
    – Theodore Roosevelt
17. “Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.”
    – Erma Bombeck
18. “Trust the still, small voice that says, “this might work and I'll try it.”
    – Diane Mariechild
19. “Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.”
    – Benjamin Franklin
20. “A year from now you may wish you had started today.”
    – Karen Lamb
21. “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
    – Mark Twain

How to Stop Overthinking: My Top 5 Favorite Tips

1. Use a reminder to save yourself from winding up there in the first place.

Staying aware of your negative habit and catching yourself as soon as you start falling into that trap of overthinking as you go about your day can be a big help.

But just trying to keep it in mind at work, in school or in your private life tends to not work that well in my experience. Because we forget all the time.

So what’s needed for this to work a lot better is a reminder.

When I focused on getting a handle on my own overthinking I used a whiteboard on the wall in my home office. The message I wrote on that board was this:

Keep things extremely simple.

This helped me greatly to more often and quicker snap out of overthinking and reduce the number of times that the destructive habit grabbed a hold on my thinking.

Two other kinds of effective reminders are in my experience:

• A small note. Put a post-it or something similar with your reminder somewhere where you cannot avoid seeing it every day. You may even want make a few copies and put them in strategic places like your workspace, bathroom mirror and on the fridge.
• A reminder on your smart phone. This is the kind of reminder that I use the most these days. I use the free Google Keep app and usually set a reminder to pop up 1-3 times a day to help me to stay on track.

2. Reframe the situation and see it from a wider view.

When you’re thinking and thinking about something then ask yourself:

Will this matter in 5 years? Or even in 5 weeks?

Zooming out in this way will help you to see things with clearer eyes and from a more level-headed perspective.

It will help you to not let medium-sized issues become something that causes more stress or concern than is necessary.

And to more quickly let go of situations where you’re honestly making a hen out of a feather (or out of simply nothing) and to not waste any additional energy on them.

3. Get out of your own head.

When you’re stuck in your own head and thoughts then it can be hard to break out of an overthinking loop about something.

A simple solution that works well but can be a bit counter-intuitive is to then direct your focus fully outward instead of inward.

Two good ways to get outside your own head are:

• Help someone else out. Listen and encourage someone close to you that is in a negative situation. Help a friend to plan for a party or for an upcoming meeting or date. Or help out physically by for example lifting moving boxes as your friend is moving into a new house.
• Exercise. I find that lifting weights or going somewhere on my bicycle and simply focusing on the exercise and my surroundings and nothing more to be a great way to get out of my own head and to find new energy and a sharper focus once again.

4. Simply small step it.

If overthinking becomes a way to procrastinate or to not face the fear of getting out of the comfort zone you’re in then small step it.

Find just one small or tiny step you can take to move forward. One small action that takes 1-5 minutes. Do that and focus only on that one step until you’re done.

This will get you moving, build momentum and often leads to more small steps being taken (as the first step is most often the hardest one).

5. Just realize and accept that you can’t control everything.

Not even if you think a situation through 50 times or more.

To try to control everything or cover any possible eventuality through overthinking so you don’t risk making a mistake or looking like a fool can be appealing. It has sometimes been the biggest reason for why I’ve thought things through all too many times.

But I’ve also learned that accepting that it simply doesn’t work is the honest truth. To prepare and plan is helpful but going overboard with it isn’t.

A better and healthier way forward is in my experience to understand that making mistakes, failing and sometimes looking like a fool is natural part of stretching your comfort zone.

It has happened to everyone that has wanted to live life fully and to anyone you may admire.

And for most of them those experiences have been very valuable.

Because such situations have helped to them to learn game-changing lessons, to grow and are often invaluable ingredients to their success.

 

21 Small Ways to Make Life Simpler

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”
Leonardo da Vinci

“The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity.”
Ludwig Wittgenstein

I love simplifying my life. It makes me more effective and life less stressful. It makes me calmer and happier.

But where do you start? Or continue if you are already on your way?

In this week's article I’d like to share 21 small habits that help me to live a simpler life.

Pick one of these to get started and keep doing it until it sticks and becomes just another normal part of your life.

1. Breathe.

When stressed, lost in a problem or the past or future in your mind breathe with your belly for two minutes and just focus on the air going in and out.

This will calm your body down and bring your mind back into the present moment again.

2. Do one thing at a time.

You’ll get better results and feel better and less stressed while doing those things.

3. Write it all down.

Use your mind for better things than remembering what to do. And the mind is often like a leaky bucket.

So write down all your great ideas, insights and thoughts before they go missing somewhere and add what you need to do to a to-do list.

4. Do all your food shopping once a week.

You’ll save time, energy and – in my experience – money.

5. Stop trying to do things perfectly. 

It will only get you stuck and drain your self-esteem.

Go for good enough instead and when you are there you are done. Get things all the way to done this way and then move on to the next thing.

6. Stop doing what you don’t like doing anymore.

Life changes and so do you.

If you don't like doing something anymore then stop doing that (even if it may take some time before you can do so by for example switching jobs).

7. Pack your bag before you go to bed.

Then you don’t have to get stressed out by that in morning and you are less likely to forget something.

8. Throw out the things you haven’t used in 1 year.

Go through what you have and ask yourself if you have used it in the past year. If not, give it away to charity or a friend or simply throw it out.

9. Ask yourself simplifying questions every day.

Questions like:

• What is the most important thing I can do right now?
• What is one small step I can take to simplify this situation?

10. Keep everything in its place.

If everything has its own place then it is whole lot easier to keep your home reasonably ordered and decluttered from day to day.

This also helps you with your inner stillness as the outer environment affects how you feel on the inside.

11. Cook more food than you’ll eat. 

We usually make four or more servings of what we're about to eat. This cuts down on time that you spend on cooking and you’ll have to do less washing up in general.

Plus, it’s good to have portions of food to bring to work to save some money.

12. Write shorter emails.

I tend to write emails containing only a few sentences, usually between one and five. If you focus on keeping it short and focused then you’ll probably discover that this is a good solution in most cases.

13. Ask instead of guessing.

Reading minds is hard. So, instead ask questions and communicate.

This will help you to minimize unnecessary conflicts, misunderstandings, negativity and waste of time and energy.

14. Use a minimalistic workspace.

My workspace contains a big monitor and a laptop on an adjustable standing desk. I use a comfy chair and there is room for my glass of water beside the computer.

That’s it. There are no distractions here. Just me, the computer and the water.

15. Check everything just once a day.

I check my email inboxes, blog statistics, my online earnings, Twitter and Facebook just once a day.

I combine all that checking into one small daily ritual at the end of my workday so I don’t slip and go checking it more during the day and waste my energy and attention.

16. Choose small daily acts of kindness.

Instead of small acts of judgment and criticism towards the people around you (and towards yourself).

17. Stop trying to please everyone.

There will always be people who you don’t get along with or that do not like you for some reason.

18. Don’t make mountains out of molehills.

Before you start thinking too much about something and building it up something big in your head, ask yourself: “Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here?”

And if you get lost in victim thinking then ask yourself: “Does anyone on the planet have it worse than me right now?”.

19. Spend 10-15 minutes each Sunday or Monday morning to plan out the week.

Write down your plans for the week, organize your prioritized to-do list and get ready for the week before you are in the middle of it all.

This will help you to find more clarity, get more of the most important things done next week and minimize stress.

20. Cancel subscriptions for things you rarely get around to watching or reading anyway.

21. Spend more time with the people that help you to keep things simple.

And spend less time with the people that drag you down into overcomplicating everything and creating unnecessary drama.

 

How to Say No: 10 Powerful Tips

How do you stop saying yes when you honestly just want to say no?

Well, it’s not easy. I used to have a lot of trouble with it.

And so I’d become frustrated and angry with myself and others who had asked me about a favor or help.

While at the same time working on someone else’s goals instead of my own and wasting too much time and energy on that.

Things simply had to change.

So I set out a handful of years ago to learn how to become better at saying no.

Here’s 10 of the best tips, habits and strategies I learned.

1. First, keep in mind why you’re saying no.

When you are about to say no then remember why you are doing it.

Focus on the positive things it will open up in your life such as more time for your family, for your writing or other hobby or simply for relaxing so your stress levels will go down.

Because you need to say no to things to be able to say yes to the things you want out of your life (there isn’t enough time and more importantly energy to do it all).

This positive motivation will help you to go through with your decision even if it feels tough.

One simple way to keep your focus on what’s important in your life both when you need to say no and to just stay on track and not get distracted in your daily life is to ask yourself this:

What are the top 3-5 priorities in my life right now?

It could be spending more quality time with your daughter, your photography hobby, reducing your debt and so on.

Write those top 3-5 priorities down on a post it-note or as a daily reminder in your smart phone (I use the Google Keep app for the reminders on my phone).

This will keep your attention consistently on what truly matters to you.

2. Kindly disarm and then state your need.

It becomes easier for people to accept your no if you kindly disarm them first. You could for example do that by saying that you are flattered and that you appreciate the kind offer.

And be honest about whatever you say.

Then you can, for instance, add that you do not have the time for accepting and doing what they want.

3. Add how you feel about it.

Some pushy people might want to overcome your objections and sell you something or convince you to do something even if you first say no with a valid reason.

Then try this: state how you feel as a reason for saying no.

For example say that you do not feel that this offer is a good fit for your life right now. Or that you feel overwhelmed or your plate is already more than full and so you cannot do whatever they want.

Or that you feel you truly have to keep all your focus on your main project right now.

The point of telling someone how you feel is not only to make them understand your side of the issue better but also that it is a lot harder to argue with how you feel rather than how you think.

How you feel is your thing and no one can really come up with good counterarguments to that.

4. Help out a bit if possible.

To leave the conversation where you’re saying no in positive way see if you can help out a bit.

Recommend someone that you think would be a better fit and that could help in better way than you can. I do this pretty often when a reader or someone in my life needs help I can’t provide or knowledge that I lack.

5. If you feel a bit guilty then that’s OK.

But just because you feel a bit guilty because you said no doesn’t mean that you have to act on that emotion. Just be with it instead.

When you are with that emotion and allow it to simply be then after a little while it will start to lose steam and become smaller and smaller. And so you can move on.

6. Simply realize that you can’t please some people.

The fact is that with some people you just can’t win. They won’t be pleased. No matter what you do.

Because it’s not about you with this person. It’s about him or her.

It’s about him being in an unhappy marriage, having a bad month healthwise or being dragged down by money worries.

Or about her having a sick pet, being sick and tired of her job or that she doesn’t have a good chemistry with you.

Realizing this and that you can’t get everyone to like you no matter if you say yes every single time can help you to put a stop to your people pleasing habit.

And to start focusing more on what YOU deep down want to say yes or no to.

7. Improve your self-esteem.

If you don’t value yourself then you won’t value your time very much either.

This has been very true in my experience.

The most powerful thing I have found – besides keeping my attention consistently on what truly matters to me – to make it easier to say no was to improve my own self-esteem.

With better self-esteem the time and the energy I have has become a lot more valuable to me and I do not want to waste it.

And my sense of what I deserve in life has also gone up and I’m much less tolerant of or likely to give in to other people’s negative ways of persuasion.

Like guilt-tripping, being really pushy or simply trying to take advantage of me.

8. Reminder: you teach people by how you behave.

This is one powerful reason why it’s important to say no when you need to.

Because if you’re assertive about what you don’t want by standing up for yourself and saying no then people will pick up on that.

And over time you will encounter fewer and fewer situations where people try to be pushy or steamroll right over you. This will make life and relationships simpler and more respectful and by being assertive you’ll also improve your self-esteem.

9. Realize that the world will go on.

Remember that just because you say no to something doesn’t mean that the world will stop.

They will find someone else that can do what they want and they’ll manage and life will go on for all of you.

So don’t let a feeling of being almost irreplaceable or words to that effect influence you into saying yes when you really want to say no. That has led many people down a path of resentment, anger and in some cases eventually into being burned out.

10. Celebrate and analyze your successes.

You may not be able to say no to everything you’d like to say no to in your week or month. Even if you use several of the tips in this article.

Don’t put too much focus on those situations though. It will only bring your self-esteem and motivation to cultivate the no-habit down. Learn what you can from them and then move on.

Into focusing mostly on your successes.

You may just have said no in one or a few small ways this week. That is still something new and great in your life so feel good about it. Pat yourself on the back and celebrate in some small way what you have accomplished and how you have grown as a person.

And think a bit about what went well in those interactions and what you can learn from them for the future (and repeat to get the result you want).

 

It’s My Birthday (So You Get 30% Off on 5 of My Courses for the Next 48 Hours)

Today is my 39th birthday.

And I want to do something fun to celebrate that and to thank you for all your support and the thousands of kind emails and comments over this past year.

So you can get 5 of my digital and downloadable courses and guides at a 30 percent discount for the next 48 hours.

This offer is only available until 2.00 p.m EDT (that’s 18.00 GMT) Friday the 29th of March. And it is the only discount I’ll be offering on my products this year.

I'm off to celebrate a bit now, have a wonderful day and check out the information below to learn more about the courses and guides.

********

You can get any of these downloadable courses and guides with one of the major credit cards or money in your Paypal or Amazon account.

The Self-Esteem Course

This 12-week course is my most popular program so far.

In it you’ll learn how to:

• Deep down feel like you truly trust yourself to be able to handle life and making the important decisions and that you deserve to have and to get more good and awesome things in your life.
• Finally lay off and overcome your own most self-critical and most self-esteem damaging thought habits such as perfectionism and comparing yourself to others.
• Learn to handle mistakes, failure and criticism in healthy way that preserves your self-esteem.

And a whole lot more. The course includes one written guide, one audio version of that guide and one worksheet for each of the 12 weeks plus 9 additional bonuses.

Click here to learn more and to join the Self-Esteem Course

The Smart Social Skills Course

The Smart Social Skills Course is all about improving your social skills and relationships.

In this course you will learn how to:

• Be calmly confident in any kind of social situation.
• Understand and adopt the giving and positive attitude that makes any relationship or conversation better and more rewarding.
• Find more happiness, fun and enjoyment in both new and old relationships and in your daily conversations.

And much, much more.

Click here to learn more about The Smart Social Skills Course and to join it

The Invincible Summer Course

The Invincible Summer is an 8-week course in developing a resilient outlook of optimism.

In it you will learn how to:

• Keep your enthusiasm up and to keep going despite setbacks and mistakes.
• Face uncertainty or a tough time in life and react and act in an level-headed and constructive way.
• Overcome the destructive victim mentality and self-doubt.

And a lot more that will fuel your mind and life with positivity. The course includes one written guide, one audio version of that guide and one worksheet for each of the 8 weeks.

Click here to learn more and to join The Invincible Summer Course

31 Days to a Simpler Life

This course is designed to make you think about how you live your life.

But more importantly, it’s designed to make you DO things. To do one task each day for 31 days to simplify your life step by step.

31 Days to a Simpler Life will for example help you to keep your focus on what is truly most meaningful and important in your life. It will help you to declutter your home, workspace and other cluttered areas in your life. And to uncomplicate your social life and schedule.

Click here to learn more about 31 Days to a Simpler Life and to join it

The Art of Relaxed Productivity

The Art of Relaxed Productivity is all about becoming a more focused person and getting more of the most important things done with less stress.

In it you'll learn how to:

• Get out of the overwhelm and stress of living in today’s society and at the same time get the most important things done consistently every day.
• Boost your motivation and use simple techniques to pick yourself up from a motivational slump.
• Improve your self-discipline so that you keep moving towards what you want not just once in a while, but every day.

Click here to learn more about the Art of Relaxed Productivity and to get your copy

 

High Self-Esteem: 15 Habits for a Positive Self-Image

One of the most common challenges people email me about is low self-esteem.

And how to improve your self-worth to become a person of high self-esteem.

So this week I’d like to share 15 simple habits that have helped me to improve my self-esteem and create a much more positive self-image (and sustain it even when times are tough).

Now, why is it so important to build and maintain high self-esteem?

Life becomes simpler.

When you love yourself – or at least like yourself a whole lot better – then you’ll stop creating so many problems in your life and you’ll magnify challenges less.

You’ll be a lot less likely to make a mountain out of a molehill.

You’ll not beat yourself up so often when you have a setback, when you make a mistake or when something you made did not turn out absolutely perfect.

You’ll self-sabotage less because as you raise your self-esteem you’ll feel more and more worthy of having good and great things in your life.

And that worthiness also leads to being more motivated to go after what you deep down want and to have fewer self-doubts.

You’ll be more centered and stable.

This is of course extra helpful when things don’t go as planned or you simply run into a rough patch in your life (as we all do from time to time).

But it is also useful in day to day life because as your opinion of yourself goes up you’ll be much less reliant on other people’s validation and attention to feel good about yourself.

And so you become less needy and your inner life becomes less of an emotional roller coaster.

You’ll be more attractive (in any kind of relationship).

As I mentioned above, with an improved self-esteem you’ll be less needy and more stable.

Being with you will also be simpler because you create less drama, arguments and fights based on nothing or very little.

And those are things that make anyone more attractive in any kind of relationship. No matter if it’s at work, as a friend or romantically.

You’ll be happier in your regular, everyday life.

And not just when something exciting happens or you reach a major milestone or achievement.

That’s at least been my experience in my life and a big reason for why I focus on my own self-esteem a lot and on keeping it steady (and it’s also the main reason why I created a whole, 12-week program called The Self-Esteem Course)

So those are some the biggest and most powerful whys.

With that said, here are 15 truly helpful practical tips, habits and strategies that I’ve found over the past 10 years for improving and maintain my own self-esteem.

1. Talk back to your inner critic so it won’t drag you down.

We all have an inner critic. It sometimes whispers and sometimes shouts.

It can push you forward towards achievement and getting things done. But at the same time tear your self-esteem down piece by piece.

It tells you destructive things like for example:

You’re lazy and not doing a good job. Work harder!

You’re just an imposter and not fitting in and soon someone will figure it out and throw you out.

You’re worse, fatter or uglier than your co-worker/friend/the people in your life.

There are things you can do about this though. You don’t have to accept your inner critic reigning free and making you feel lousy about yourself.

One way to start reducing the influence of the inner critic is to talk back to it. Like you may do to a critical person or a bully.

Here’s what you do:

When the inner critic starts talking then – in your mind – shout: STOP!

Or use a phrase like my favorite one: no, no, no, we are not going down that road again!

By using a stop-word or phrase like this as quickly as possible when the inner critic starts piping up you can shut it down before it’s power starts to snowball and drags you down into a negative funk for an hour or a day.

Then refocus on something more constructive you can do with your time and energy. Or on a healthier motivation strategy like the ones in the next tip…

2. Stop relying on your inner critic to achieve.

So your inner critic can help you to push forward and to reach your goals.

And it’s easy to become reliant upon it and think that if you don’t have it in your daily life then you won’t have the motivation and drive to keep moving.

There are other ways to motivate yourself besides relying on an often abusive boss that lives in your head though.

A few powerful motivation habits that I have used to replace the place that my inner critic used to have are:

Refocus on the whys.

When your energy is low or you’ve just been a bit unfocused for a while then it’s easy to lose sight of why you’re doing something and the positive benefits you can get out of it.

So take a couple of minutes to write down your top 3 reasons for getting an education, working out, putting in that hard work, saving up money or something else.

Put that note where you can see it every day – like in your workspace or on your fridge – or keep it as a reminder in your smartphone so you can easily keep your focus in the right place and not get off track.

Get accountability and encouragement from the people in your life.

Tell your friends and/or family what you will do. Do it on social media, via the phone or in real life.

Ask one of them or several of those people in your life to check up on you regularly and on the progress you’re making.

That accountability and the encouragement you can get from close friends, family members or your partner during those checkups will keep you motivated when you hit a slump or have a setback.

And it will make it a lot less likely that you can just weasel out of taking action.

Get motivation from people you don’t know.

Don’t limit yourself to just the support you can get from the people in your life.

Listen to podcasts and music and read books and blogs that motivate you and help you to keep a constructive and optimistic attitude.

For more on healthy motivation habits, check out 27 Smart and Simple Ways to Motivate Yourself.

3. Be kind to yourself when you have a setback.

We all have setbacks and make mistakes. It’s just a natural part of going outside of your comfort zone and often a great way to learn.

So don’t let the inner critic drag you down into feeling helpless. And don’t get stuck in beating yourself up for a week.

Instead, be smart and be kind to yourself.

Two helpful ways to do that are:

Be your own best friend.

When you fail or make a mistake then ask yourself:

How would my best friend/parent support me and help me in this situation?

Then do things and talk to yourself as she or he would to stay constructive about the situation and to be kind to yourself instead of getting lost in a negative spiral.

Find the lesson and opportunity.

To keep the focus on optimism ask yourself:

What is one thing I can learn from this situation?

What is one opportunity I can find in this situation?

There is in my experience almost always something I can learn from one of these situations (and often pretty important things).

There might not always be an opportunity to find but I always ask myself this question anyway.

Because I’ve learned that opportunities can be found more often than one might at first think if you just look for them.

4. Widen your perspective once again by finding one exception.

When you’re lost in a big pile of thoughts about how you’re not for example doing well in school, at work or in your social life then it can be hard to change your perspective on this area of your life.

One question that often helped me at times like these is:

What is the exception to this though?

This question can widen your perspective once again and help you to see that you’re actually doing well in your language classes at school. Or that you presentation at work last week was your best one yet and one you’re proud of.

Or that you were a really good listener when your friend needed it during the past month.

Finding that small exception can be really helpful to start injecting more optimism into your mind.

And to find more positive things that are actually in your life if you just look for them.

5. Make a list of positive memories and spend a few minutes with it.

Pull up an empty memo on your smartphone. Or find a pen and a piece of paper.

And then think back. To the times when you felt good enough. To when you felt good about yourself and proud of what you had done.

Or to the times when you felt lousy at first but took action even though it may have been hard and then you felt better about yourself.

Write a few such memories down. And then just be with them for a little while.

This list can also be helpful the next time you’re having a rough day.

Then pull out that note and soak in those memories for a few minutes to change your mood and outlook.

6. Try a very simple self-esteem exercise for 7 days.

Use another empty memo on your phone or a notepad or a journal if you have one.

Then, each evening before you go to bed ask yourself this:

What are 3 things I can appreciate about myself?

It could be that you’re a good listener. Or that you can make decisions when others may sometimes hesitate a bit too much.

But it doesn’t have to be big things either. It could be that you made someone laugh today. Or that you flossed. Or that you let someone into your lane while driving.

Try it for a few minutes each evening for a week and see how it works out for you.

This journal you’re creating is just like the note in the previous exercise something you can refer back to later for positivity and boost when you need it the most.

7. Remember: what people share on social media is a high-light reel.

It’s pretty easy to get stuck in a comparison trap as soon as you pick up your phone these days.

On Facebook and Instagram your friends, family and the celebrities you follow share a moment in their lives.

And you may become envious or feel like you or your life is not any fun or not good enough in some way.

But what’s important to remind yourself of when using social media is this:

What people are sharing is a high-light reel of their lives.

That’s of course pretty natural as people tend to want to share the positive and happy moments.

But if you think that this is how their lives look all the times then you’re fooling yourself and making yourself feel worse without any real reason.

Because no matter who they are everyone still have bad days, a nasty flu, eat food that will lead to stomach problems and their own worries and stress.

Plus, plenty of simply mediocre or uneventful days.

8. Compare in an uplifting way.

When you compare yourself and your life to someone’s online high-light reel then you might not feel so good about yourself.

And when you compare yourself to other people in general and their lives then that can quickly become a trap. Because there’s always someone in your circle of friends or in the neighborhood that has more than you or is ahead of you.

So replace that with a habit that will both build motivation and move you towards high self-esteem…

Start comparing yourself to yourself instead.

See how far you’ve come. What you’ve overcome. Focus on you and how you can and have improved your results.

9. Reduce the negative or limiting influence other people can have over you.

Other people can of course have a pretty big influence on what we think and feel about ourselves.

And some of that influence tends to be limiting or negative.

So what can you do to reduce those people’s influence over you?

Three things that have helped me are…

Simply put in the work to raise your self-esteem.

With better self-esteem you’ll value your own opinion of yourself and what you do or do not do higher.

And so other people’s negative words or opinions will not have such a powerful influence anymore.

It’s often not about you when people criticize or lash out verbally.

Criticism or verbal attacks you received yesterday or for the past year may not be about you at all.

So don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is the case.

Someone at work or school or closer to you might simply have had a bad day, week or year.

Or he or she may be unhappy about his or her career, in a bad marriage or carrying some old and negative baggage that someone else once upon a time put on him or her.

Remind yourself of this when someone is pushing you down. And that their issues or old baggage belongs to them.

It’s not yours and not something you have to carry.

People don’t care that much about what you do or say.

Because they have their hands full with focusing on their own jobs, kids, pets, partner and worrying about what people think of them.

So don’t let that become an imaginary obstacle and let worries about what people may say or think limit you from doing what you want to and being who you want to be.

10. Make changes to surround yourself with positive and supportive influences.

Don’t just reduce the impact of destructive and self-esteem limiting sources in your life.

Spend more time with people and sources that lift you up. And find new sources of positivity and self-esteem if you need to.

A simple way to spend less time with negative sources and more time with the positive ones is to ask yourself:

What are the top 3 sources of negativity in my life?

It could be a friend, a website or podcast or perhaps a social media account.

Then ask yourself:

What can I do to spend less time with these 3 sources of negativity this week?

Come up with a few action-steps you can take and start taking action on them.

And then spend the time you’ve now freed up this week with the most positive, uplifting and supportive sources in your life.

11. Be kinder to the people in your life.

I’ve found that when I’m kinder towards others then it becomes more natural and easier to be kinder and more understanding towards myself too.

While on the on the hand being more judgmental towards others tends to lead to a more judgmental attitude towards myself too.

So focus on being kind. And not just towards friends, co-workers and family.

But towards people you randomly meet during your day too.

Like for example other drivers out on the road, the waitress at a restaurant or the cashier at the local grocery store.

12. Don’t keep your thoughts bottled up.

Keeping your emotions and thoughts to yourself can make them spiral out of control.

You may, for instance, magnify a relatively minor situation in your life into a disaster.

So let those thoughts and how you feel out into the light instead. This will help you to regain a more balanced and grounded perspective on things once again.

Three good ways to do that are:

Just vent for a few minutes.

As a friend or someone else close to you listens let it all out and vent. This can help you to release that inner pressure and to figure things out for yourself and what you can do about the situation at hand.

Talk it over with someone close to you.

Maybe venting isn’t enough. Then talk the situation over with a person close to you.

Let her add her perspective and ground you in reality.

And as the two of you discuss the matter you may be able to start figuring out plan of action together to help you to improve the situation you find yourself in.

Use a journal.

If you don’t have someone close to you to talk the situation over with – or you don’t want to do that for some reason – then use a journal.

By getting what has happened out of your head and writing it down you can vent.

And when you see it all laid out it is usually easier to see the situation more clearly for what it really is, to think things through more constructively and to find a way forward.

13. Replace that perfectionism habit.

Perfectionism can be really destructive.

If you complete something and you’ve done it well then you may still not be satisfied because it is not done perfectly. And so your self-esteem suffers.

Or you may become so afraid of not doing something perfectly that you get stuck in procrastination instead of moving forward.

A couple of things that helped me are:

Remember: when you buy into myths of perfection you tend to hurt yourself and the people in your life.

A simple reminder that life is not like in the movies, on TV or social media or in books can be a good reality check whenever you start drifting away into dreams of perfection.

Because reality can easily clash with such fantasies and expectations that are out of this world.

And that can cause plenty of harm in your relationships, in your career and in how you view yourself.

Simply go for good enough.

If you aim at polishing and readjusting a project until it’s simply perfect then that usually winds up in the project never being finished.

Or in you spending a lot of time – that could be used for something else – on making something just 3-10% better.

So I’ve learned to simply go for good enough instead. This doesn’t mean to use that as an excuse to slack off or do a poor or mediocre job.

But simply that there’s something called good enough and when I’ve done a task or project that well then I’m finished.

14. Celebrate your wins (no matter how small).

If you just celebrate your big or huge wins like getting a new job or graduating then you’ll wait a long time between celebrations.

And so you increase the risk of only feeling good about yourself when you’ve reached such a peak in life.

I’ve over the years learned that it works better to celebrate all wins. No matter how small.

By doing that and praising yourself at the same time it becomes easier to keep the motivation up and your self-talk kinder and more positive.

The celebration and what you tell yourself don’t have to be anything big. Maybe you just pat yourself on the back with a few supportive words and have a tasty snack.

15. Remind yourself of the benefits of high self-esteem.

Keeping your focus on why you are doing something is a great way to make to stay motivated to keep going and to make consistent progress.

So remind yourself of the whys at the start of this article to keep working on improving your self-esteem and not fall back into old and more destructive habits when things don’t go as planned or when you’re having a bad week.

Keeping those powerful reasons in mind has helped me to stay in a helpful headspace towards myself and to make my self-esteem an essential priority in my life.

Want more inspiring content? Then check out my other new post this week: 101 Short Quotes About Life. A mix of the best, sharpest and most powerful quotes of all time on happiness, success, loving yourself and more.

And if you want to take a deep dive into your own self-esteem through a 12-week, step-by-step program then have a look at my Self-Esteem Course.